Seriously... I'm Kidding

kiosk in the mall that does colonoscopies and ear piercing on the weekends.
    The first thing I had to do when I got there was put on a gown. I think it was a Zac Posen. I don’t normally wear gowns, but this was a beautiful one—open in the back and slightly off the shoulder. They made me take everything off except my socks. I guess they let you keep those on so that you don’t feel totally naked. As it turns out, even with socks on you still feel totally and completely naked. I don’t know what they’re thinking. Socks or no socks, all the important parts are still out and about.
    After I was in my gown and socks, the doctor came in and greeted me. She was also wearing a gown so I tried to make a joke like, “Hey, isn’t it embarrassing that we’re wearing the same gown?” She laughed but she was holding a needle at the time, so it suddenly felt like a scene from Misery . Right away she started to give me sleepy-time drugs. That’s the medical term. And all I remember after the sleepy-time drugs is saying, “I gotta get—” and that’s it. I was out for the rest of the procedure. When you wake up, it’s a little disorienting. You’re not sure where you are. Katie Couric is there with a film crew. It’s jarring. But it’s necessary and I’m glad I did it.
    Another routine procedure that every woman needs to get is a mammogram. Now, the word “mammogram” makes it sound like it’s going to be a fun experience. You think a cute little grandma is going to show up at your door to sing you a happy birthday song or something. Unfortunately, that is not the case. A mammogram is less like a fun song and more like an industrial-strength panini press.
    The difference between a colonoscopy and a mammogram—well, there are a few differences obviously. One takes place above the equator and one takes place below it. But the other difference is that with a mammogram you are fully aware of what is going on. You don’t need any drugs to knock you out because it’s not a painful procedure. It’s just uncomfortable and awkward, especially given the fact that you are standing face to face with the technician working the machine. At least, it’s awkward for me anyway because inevitably I have to make small talk. “Yep, I do dance a lot… No, not all the time… Well, I’m a big fan of your mom, so thank you, that’s nice to hear.”
    I cannot believe they haven’t yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, “Put that thing there so I can crush it.”
    I’m getting away from my point. My point is, these tests are very important. And I don’t mind telling you all about my groin, my colon, and my breasts if it means helping you take care of yourself. I just thought of something else I could share with you. Would you like to hear about one of my moles? No. Okay. Moving on.

The Secret of Life

    K ale.

The Secret of Life—Part Two

    O kay, there might be more to the secret of life than kale. (Although it really is an incredible leaf. One serving of kale has 88 percent of your daily value of vitamin C. That’s the nutritional element of the book I was referring to earlier.)
    People are constantly searching for the secret of life. In terms of what people spend their time searching for, it goes sunglasses, the secret of life, the fountain of youth, car in the mall parking lot, cell phone, keys, contact lenses, love. We all spend time searching for the secret of life because we think it will bring us closer to the one thing we all want—the one thing that, no matter what we do in our lives or where we go or who we marry, we all aspire to have. It’s the most important thing in the world: money. No, I’m sorry, not money. Happiness. That’s what I meant—happiness. And once you find happiness, you’ve pretty much uncovered the secret.
    Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if it’s your last because that way you will appreciate every single moment you have. Other people believe that you should live each day as if it’s your first because then every day can be the beginning of a new journey. Those are conflicting ideas, and I know it can be confusing. Do you live each day as if it’s your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on.
    If you lived each day