Seriously... I'm Kidding

success more than I could have ever imagined. I look back on the days of doing stand-up in a basement for three friends—well, one friend and two mice. Okay, three mice. And I am so proud of where I am today. So let that be a lesson, kids who get an F in math. Ellen says you’re doing the right thing. You’re welcome, parents.
    When you really think about it, it doesn’t matter if you choose to live each day as your first or your last. You could live each day as your second or third so all the gunk you’re born with is out of your eyes. Or you could live each day as your 912th or 15,337th. I actually remember that day in my life so clearly. I was in my forties and I needed a break from everything in my life, so I decided to get away. I went to Jamaica and I spent some time thinking about my life and what I wanted and I ended up learning how to get my groove back. You know what? I’m sorry. I’m thinking of How Stella Got Her Groove Back .
    But what’s important is that you enjoy and appreciate every day, and that’s something you can accomplish by just living in the moment. Don’t look behind you. Unless someone yells, “Look out behind you!” Then you should definitely look behind you because there’s a good chance a Frisbee is being thrown at your head or, if you’re in a movie, an attractive teenage vampire is about to attack you.
    Otherwise, don’t look back and don’t spend too much time worrying about the future. Stay in the present. There are a few ways to do that. Stop and smell the roses. Wake up and smell the coffee. Enjoy the sweet smell of success. I guess just keep taking big whiffs of stuff because it seems like the more we smell, the happier we are going to be. You know what I mean.

Thunderclap: A Short Short Story

    I t was a dark and stormy night. The streets were empty. They seemed sad almost and hollow. The wind was howling and the rain was pouring down upon the rooftop so loud that Papa could barely hear the sound of his teakettle. Eventually, the storm passed and normal activity resumed.

Journal Entries

    I usually like to keep my private matters private, but I thought I could make an exception this one time to share some of the journal entries I’ve written since 2003, right around the time my last book came out. Please enjoy a little insight into my personal musings over the last several years.
May 30, 2003
Dear Journal,
Remember that movie called Finding Nemo that I told you I worked on years and years ago? Well it came out today and guess what—it set the record for best opening day ever of an animated movie! I’m so proud to have been a part of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Pixar called me today to say they want to make a sequel. This is great. This is really, really great. What a wonderful, wonderful, perfect situation this is, Journal.

August 1, 2003
Journal,
Finding Nemo is now the highest-grossing animated movie of all time! Can you believe it?! Hang on, my phone’s ringing. It’s probably Pixar telling me they want to make a sequel! Bye, Journal! Talk to you again when I’m rich!

August 2, 2003
Journal,
That phone call wasn’t about Finding Nemo 2, but I’m sure they’ll call any minute. The call was about my new talk show! That’s another thing I’m so excited about. It starts in about a month. I have to start thinking about what I want to wear on my first show and how I’m gonna get my hair did. Just thinking about it makes me want to dance up and down aisles for some reason! Anyway, I’ll let you know when Pixar comes a-knockin’! Should be any second now.

September 8, 2003
Dear Journal,
Big day today. My talk show premiered on TV! Wow. I think this is gonna be really fun. People seemed to like it and I’m really proud of it. I don’t know what my schedule is going to be like over the next few months and years, but don’t worry, I’m still gonna try and write in here every single day.

February 25, 2007
Journal,
I just finished hosting the Oscars. I am currently experiencing an indescribable feeling. It’s joy mixed with relief mixed with the smell of Clint Eastwood’s aftershave. I can’t believe I just hosted the Academy Awards! I’m headed to the after party now. I’m sure it’ll be a quiet, tame night. Just kidding. It’s about to get crazy up in here. I have a feeling my three-piece suit will be down to one piece in about an hour, Journal, if you understand what I’m saying.

August 16, 2008
Dear Journal,
Today was the happiest