Seriously... I'm Kidding

day of my life. I got married. I am soooooooooooooooooooooo happy. You can tell how happy I am based on how many “O”s I used. I’ve never used that many “O”s. Portia and I got married and exchanged vows in front of a small group of our friends and family. It was a perfect day.

May 16, 2009
Journal,
Today I gave the commencement speech at Tulane University in my hometown of New Orleans. I had a great time and I think I gave those kids a lot of great advice. I can’t believe they let me do that even though I didn’t go to no college. I meant to, but I totally forgot. I think I made my mama very proud today by making one of her dreams for me come true. I finally wore a gown.

January 26, 2010
Dear Journal,
Today is my birthday. I had a great day today and I’m so excited for this year. I have so much to look forward to. American Idol is starting up soon. I can’t wait. I think I’m gonna want to do it forever.

March 15, 2010
Journal,
I’m on a sugar cleanse. I haven’t had any sugar in over three weeks. I think I’m experiencing withdrawal. Today I screamed at a plant. I don’t know why I decided to do this. It’s crazy. There’s sugar in everything. Did you know that? Everything. Even cupcakes. All right, I have to go, Journal. You’re being a jerk.

May 26, 2010
J,
Big news. I’m starting a record label. I love music and I love discovering new artists. I won’t be any different though now that I’m going to be a mogul. I’ll still be the same old Ellen. Oh, I gotta bounce. My pimpmobile is outside. Look at those rims! Holla!

July 27, 2010
Journal,
What an exciting day. Remember I told you about all that gold I mailed in for cash? Guess what! The money arrived today. I got $1.24!

August 16, 2010
Dear Journal,
Today Portia and I celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary. When I got home from work Portia [OMITTED].

September 8, 2010
Journal,
I made my Broadway debut tonight in the Big Apple! I starred in a show called Promises, Promises alongside my supporting cast, Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes. It was so much fun, but guess what, Journal? I think I caught the theater bug. Literally. There was a roach in my dressing room the size of my fist. New York City is filthy.

January 1, 2011
Happy 2011, Journal! Had a great New Year’s Eve. Set a new record and managed to stay up until 9:30. It was craaaaazy, Journal.

January 18, 2011
Hey Journal,
I watched The Biggest Loser tonight. That show is so good. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know how they do it. I’m crying so much I have mascara running down my face. And I’m not even wearing mascara. This show is powerful.

May 25, 2011
Dear Journal,
Today was the very last episode ever of The Oprah Winfrey Show . Wow. I can’t believe it. I don’t know how her show got canceled. So many people loved it. But you know what this means? Now that Larry King retired, Oprah’s moving on, and Regis quit, all of television will be mine! Hahahahaha!

June 24, 2011
Journal,
I’m about to turn my new book in to the publisher. Writing a book is hard. I thought it was mostly going to be journal entries like this, but it turns out they need more to fill a book. I wish it could be all journal entries. Anyway, I’m gonna send the book in and then probably head to the movies. You know what comes out today, Journal? Cars 2. Isn’t that great? A sequel to a hit animated movie. I’m so, so, so happy for them.

Important Words

    N ow this is a very difficult chapter for me to write. This chapter, chapter ten, is my favorite chapter in one of my favorite books so I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make it spectacular. There are other books I’ve read where chapter ten was not that great at all. But I prefer not to tell you to which book I’m referring. Maybe the author of that book failed to read the chapter in the book I aforementioned.
    I don’t know if “aforementioned” is a word or if it’s correctly used here. But whenever I feel stress or pressure of any kind I try to use big, important words. It makes me feel better and more powerful. Like, if I get pulled over for speeding I usually say something like, “Mr. (or Mrs. or Ms. depending on the situation, of course) Gentleman Enforcer of the Legal Government Principles, I am en route to my appendectomy.” And then they usually say something like, “License and registration.” And then I say, “Cacophony!” And then they usually write me a ticket.
    I don’t know why bigger words seem