Seriously... I'm Kidding

interesting when you really think about where we all come from and how different our pasts might be is that if you were to peer into the window of any house on any street during a big family holiday celebration, you would most likely see many of the same scenes. You would also risk getting arrested for trespassing, but still you would see that all of our families are very much the same. No matter where we’re from or to whom we’re related or how our pasts have impacted our current lives, every family gathering tends to go the same way.
    First, you hope that your favorite aunt invites you to her house for the holidays because she has the finished basement with the nice pool table. She’s not going to. Instead, everyone is going to your uncle’s who has four pit bulls and an indoor skate ramp made out of recycled beer bottles.
    As soon as you get there you get stuck talking to your brother-in-law’s brother. You have nothing to talk about so you start with “Wow, I haven’t seen you since you were on Cops .” Immediately your mom grabs you and says, “You weren’t supposed to mention Cops ! Why did you mention Cops ?!”
    Then you apologize for mentioning Cops . Somehow in the apology, you make a joke like, “Well at least you weren’t on To Catch a Predator , right?” Another apology is made.
    Then cousin Pam shows up with her famous corn casserole that is famous for all the wrong reasons. You know the first thing she’s going to want to do is play the guitar and sing about peace, so you decide to go outside for some fresh air even though it’s four degrees and snowing and you forgot to pack a coat. Two seconds later, nine kids follow you outside to pelt you with snowballs and when you don’t throw any back at them they start to call you names and make you feel bad that your skin turns so red in the cold. It’s not your fault, you’ve always had sensitive skin and there’s nothing wrong with being sensitive.
    You tell the kids that but it doesn’t go well at all so you head back inside and ask if you can do anything to help because you’re polite, and also because your mom is giving you the “You better ask if you can help, I didn’t raise you to just stand there and do nothing” look. You hope the answer will be no, but your aunt says, “Sure! I haven’t made the sweet potato pie yet. You can do that!”
    Then you panic because you’ve never known the difference between a sweet potato and a yam and both are on the counter, and if you start making a yam pie you’ll never hear the end of it.
    So you start making a yam pie. Luckily, people are distracted by a dozen grown men screaming in the living room because little Timmy unplugged the TV just as a football team was scoring a touchdown.
    Timmy starts to cry. The dogs start to bark. Everyone finally sits down to eat. The wine will start flowing and so will the secrets. Guess what? Mom’s pregnant. Guess what else? So is Dad. He can do that now.
    You scarf down your meal and head home wondering if everyone’s family is that crazy. The answer is a resounding yes.
    But we should be grateful for them because without our family—the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves of our lives we see every day—life is pretty boring. You don’t have to believe me, but you should. I’m royalty.

What Would Jesus Do?

    I don’t know if you’ve read a magazine lately or gone online or watched TV or visited a mall—I don’t know what you do in your spare time and frankly it isn’t any of my business. But if you have done any of those things, you’ve probably been asked to participate in an opinion poll. Opinion polls have become incredibly popular. People love them. I know because I read that in an opinion poll.
    Lately it seems that every magazine has a poll, every tabloid has a poll, every Internet site, every bedroom in my house. That’s a different kind of pole, but I’m just sharing with you. And I have to say—I’m not sure that all these polls are totally necessary. A lot of them ask the same questions. Which couple is cuter? Do you like her dress? Do you like his shirt? Who wore it better? Are they too skinny, too fat, too pretty, too ugly, too tall, too short, too hairy, not hairy enough?
    Many of them ask questions that not only seem unnecessary but, to use a technical term, are also bonkers. I won’t say the name of the magazine (it sounds like “Pin Style”) I stole from my dentist’s office but