Shifu, You'll Do Anything For a Laugh

looking? That sounds plausible to me. Shifu, you should know that there's nothing people won't do to get out of paying what they owe.”
    Ding shook his head. “That's not possible, absolutely impossible. First of all, the door is bolted from the inside. Besides, I never took my eyes off the place. I'd have seen a pair of rats scurrying out of there, let alone a pair of full-sized humans.”
    “Rats, you say. How about this?” Little Hu said. “They tunneled their way out.”
    “My fine apprentice,” old Ding said, his voice cracking tearfully, “forget your wacky theories and help me figure out what to do. I beg you!”
    Little Hu lowered his head and puffed away on his cigarette. Deep lines creased his brow. Old Ding stared at his apprentice without blinking, waiting to hear his ideas. Little Hu looked up.
    “Shifu,” he said, “I think we just say to hell with it. You've earned a tidy sum this year. Now we wait till next spring and come up with another money-making scheme.”
    “Little Hu, we're talking about the loss of two lives….”
    “So? That's not our fault,” he said angrily. “Once they decided to die, there was nothing we could do about it. What kind of fuck-ups were they?”
    “They looked like educated people to me, maybe party officials.”
    “That's even more reason to stay clear of them. With people like that, you know they're having an extramarital affair. No one will shed a tear over their deaths.”
    “But,” he stammered, “what if they tie this to me? As the saying goes, you can't bury bodies in the snowy ground. The police will know it was me right off.”
    “What are you getting at? Don't tell me you're thinking of going to the police yourself.”
    “Little Hu, I've given this a lot of thought. You know what they say: the ugly bride has to face her in-laws sooner or later.”
    “Are you really thinking of going to the police?”
    “Maybe, they might still be able to save them.”
    “Shifu, this is pretty much the same as setting yourself on fire!”
    “My fine apprentice, didn't you say you have a cousin who works at the Public Security Bureau? Will you take me to see him?”
    “Shifu!”
    “I beg you, I need your cousin's help. If I did nothing, I don't think I could get another good night's sleep ever again.”
    “Shifu,” Little Hu said in a somber tone of voice, “have you given any thought to possible consequences? What you've been engaged in will seem sordid to people, and it won't take much digging to find a law that'll send you away for a couple of years. And even if that doesn't happen, you can look forward to a hefty fine. And when those people fine you, you know you've been fined. I wouldn't be surprised if the money you've earned over an entire summer, plus the fall, won't be enough to pay it off.”
    “I have to live with that,” old Ding admitted painfully. “I don't want that money. From now on, I'll go begging before I do anything like this again.”
    “And what if you're looking at jail time?” his apprentice asked him.
    “That's why I want you to speak to your cousin,” he said weakly, his head sagging. “If it's jail time I'm looking at, I'll just go get some rat poison and put an end to everything.”
    “Shifu! Shifu!” Little Hu said. “All that stuff about a cousin with the police, I just said that to boost your confidence.”
    Old Ding stood there woodenly for a moment, then sighed and rose shakily to his feet. After carefully stubbing out his cigarette in the ashtray, he looked over at his former apprentice, who was staring at the wall, his head cocked to one side, and said, “Then I won't trouble you anymore.”
    He turned and hobbled to the door.
    “Shifu, where are you going?”
    He looked back over his shoulder.
    “Little Hu,” he said, “you and I worked together for a while. After I'm gone, if it's not too much trouble, would you check on my wife from time to time? If it is, don't worry about it.. ..”
    He reached out and opened the door. A cold wind filling the hallway hit him full in the face. He shivered as he reached out to hold on to the dusty banister and walked off into the dark.
    “Wait up, Shifu.” He turned and saw his apprentice standing in the doorway. Light streaming out of the apartment made his face appear to be brushed with gold dust. He heard him say, “I'll take you to see my cousin.”
    10
    They squeezed into a phone booth, with wind whistling all around them, to call the cousin at home.