Slammed

How do you do it?" she says.
     
    She blows her nose and grabs another tissue out of the box.
     
      "How do I do what?" I sniff as I continue to wipe the tears from my eyes.
     
      "How do you not fall in love with him?"
     
      The tears begin flowing just as quickly as they were ceasing. I grab yet another tissue.  "I don't not fall in love with him. I don't not fall in love with him
a lot
!"
     
       She laughs and squeezes my hand as we willingly sit out our much deserved detentions.
     

14.
     
    “ And I know you need me in the next room over
    But I am stuck in here all paralyzed.”
    - The Avett Brothers, 10,000 words
     

 
     
    Chapter Fourteen
     
     
     
    I've never had sex before. I came really close once, but chickened out at the last minute. My longest relationship was with a boy I met right before I turned seventeen.
     
    Kerris had a brother who was in college and he brought a friend home with him during Spring Break two summers ago. His name was Seth and he was eighteen. I thought I loved him. I think I really just loved having a boyfriend. He attended the University of Texas, which was a good four hour drive away.
     
    We had been together for about six months. We talked on the phone and online a lot. I was seventeen at this point and we had discussed it plenty, so I decided I was ready to have sex with him. I had a midnight curfew that night so he rented a hotel room and we told my mother we were going to the movie theater.
     
    When we got to the hotel, my hands were shaking. I knew I had changed my mind but was too scared to tell him. He had put so much effort into everything. He even brought his own sheets and blankets from home so it would feel more intimate.
     
    We had been kissing for a while on the bed when he took off my shirt. His hands were making their way to my pants when I started crying. He immediately stopped. Never pressured me, never made me feel guilty for changing my mind. He just kissed me and told me it was okay. We stayed in bed and rented a movie instead.
     
    It was seven hours later and daytime when we finally woke up. We were both frantic. No one knew where we were, both of our phones had been turned off all night. I knew my parents were worried sick. He was too scared to face them with me so instead he dropped me off at my driveway and left. I remember staring at my house, wanting to be anywhere else but there. I knew they were going to make me talk to them; tell them about where I had been. I hated confrontation.
     
    ***
     
    I'm standing in front of my jeep now, staring at the gnome filled yard of our house that's not our home. That same feeling of trepidation deep within the pit of my stomach is back. I know my mother is going to want to talk about it all. The cancer. Kel . She'll want to confront it and I'll want to hide.
     
    I slowly make my way to the front door and turn the knob, wishing someone was holding it shut from the other side. Her, Kel and Caulder are all seated at the bar.
     
    They're carving pumpkins. She can't talk now. This is good.
     
    "Hey," I say to no one in particular as I walk through the front door. She doesn't acknowledge me.
     
    "Hey, Layken. Check out my pumpkin!" Kel says as he swings it around to face me. Its' eyes and mouth are three big X's and he's taped a bag of candy to the side of the pumpkins face.
     
    "He's making a sour face. 'Cause he ate some sour skittles," he says.
     
    "Creative," I say.
     
    "Look at mine," Caulder says as he turns his around. There's just a bunch of huge holes where the pumpkin's face should be.
     
    "Oh…what is it?" I ask him.
     
    "It's God."
     
    I cock my head at him, confused. "God?"
     
    Caulder laughs. "Yeah, God." He looks at Kel and in unison they both say, "Because he's 'holy.'"
     
    I roll my eyes and laugh. "I don't know how you two found each other."
     
    I look at my mom and she's watching me, trying to gauge my mood.
     
    "Hey," I say, specifically to her this time.
     
    "Hey," she smiles.
     
    "So," I say, hoping she'll grasp the double meaning behind what I’m about to say. "Do you mind if we just carve pumpkins tonight? Is it okay if that's all we do? Just carve pumpkins?"
     
    She smiles and turns her attention back to the pumpkin in front of her.
     
    "Sure. But we can't carve pumpkins every night, Lake. One of these nights we'll eventually have to stop carving pumpkins."
     
    I grab one of the available pumpkins off the floor and set it on the bar and take a seat