Snuff

knives about your person, and so if you fancy cutting your way out past me, then I’d be happy to accommodate you, although I’ll tell you that firstly you won’t succeed, and secondly, if you manage to get past a boy who grew up on the streets of Ankh-Morpork there’s a man down there with a punch that can fell an elephant, and if you knife him you’ll just make him more annoyed—”
    The surge this time was bigger than ever, and Vimes banged his head on the cabin’s roof before coming down again in front of Stratford and kicking him smartly in the official police officer method and also the groin.
    â€œOh, come on, Mr. Stratford, don’t you have a reputation to keep up? Feared killer? You should spend some time in the city, my lad, and I’ll make certain you do.” Stratford fell backward and Vimes continued, “And then you’ll hang, as is right and proper, but don’t worry—Mr. Trooper does a nifty noose and they say it hardly hurts at all. Tell you what, just to get the adrenaline pumping, Mr. Stratford, imagine I’m the goblin girl. She begged for her life, Mr. Stratford, remember that? I do! And so do you. You fell down at the first surge, Mr. Stratford. River rats know what to do. You didn’t, although I must say you’ve covered it very well. Whoops!”
    This was because Stratford had indeed tried his hand with a knife. Vimes twisted his wrist and flung the blade down the stairs just as the glass in the wheelhouse smashed and a branch longer than Vimes plowed across the room, shedding leaves and dragging torrential rain and darkness behind it.
    Both the lamps had gone out and, as it turned out, so had Stratford, hopefully through a shattered window, possibly to his death, but Vimes wasn’t sure. He would have preferred definitely . But there was no time to fret about him, because now came another surge, and water poured in through the glassless windows.
    Vimes jerked open the little gate to the pilot’s deck and found Mr. Sillitoe struggling up out of the pile of storm-washed debris. He was moaning, “I’ve lost count, I’ve lost count!”
    Vimes pulled him upward and helped him into his big chair, where he banged on the arms in frustration. “And now I can’t see a damned thing in all this murk! Can’t count, can’t see, can’t steer! Won’t survive!”
    â€œI can see, Mr. Sillitoe,” said Vimes. “What do you want me to do?”
    â€œYou can?”
    Vimes stared out at the homicidal river. “There’s a thundering great rock coming up on the left-hand side. Should it be doing that? Looks like there’s a busted landing stage there.”
    â€œYe gods! That’s Baker’s Knob! Here, let me at the wheel! How close is it now?”
    â€œMaybe fifty yards?”
    â€œAnd you can see it in all this? Damn me, mister, you must have been born in a cave! That means we ain’t that far from Quirm now, a touch under nineteen miles. You think you could stand lookout? Is my family okay? That little snot threatened to harm them if I didn’t keep the Fanny on schedule!” Something big and heavy bounced off the roof and spun away into the night, and the pilot went on, “Gastric Sillitoe, delighted to make your acquaintance, sir.” He stared ahead. “I’ve heard of you. Koom Valley, right? Happy to have you aboard.”
    â€œEr, Gastric? Whole tree spinning in current near left-hand shore, ten yards ahead! Nothing much to see on right.”
    The wheel spun frantically again. “Obliged to you, sir, and I surely hope you won’t take it amiss if I say that we generally talk about port and starboard?”
    â€œWouldn’t know about that, Gastric, never drank starboard. Mass of what looks like smashed logs ahead, forty yards, looks like small stuff, and I see a faint light high up on our right, can’t tell how far away.” Vimes ducked and a jagged log bounced off the back of the wheelhouse. Beside him the pilot sounded as if he had got a grip on things now.
    â€œOkay, commander, that would be Jackson’s Light, very welcome sight! Now I’ve found my bearings and an hourglass that ain’t busted, I’d be further in your debt if you’d go below and tell Ten Gallons to cut loose the barges? There’s a chicken farmer on one of them! Best to get him on board before the dam breaks.”
    â€œAnd