Snuff
to run very fast. I understand from her ladyship that you might be requiring my assistance tonight?â
âYes, please. Weâre going to the village of Hangnails. Itâs about twenty miles upriver.â
Willikins nodded. âYes indeed, sir, once the seat of the Hangnail family and most notably of Lord Justice Hangnail, who famously declared that he never took account of any plea of not guilty on the basis that âcriminals always lieâ and was, by happy chance, the Worshipful Master of the Benevolent Company of Rope Makers and Braiders. With any luck, weâll not see his like again.â
âExcellent, Willikins, and weâll stop en route to pick up our keen young local constable, whoâll see fair play. I intend to make sure of that.â
âGlad to hear it, sir,â said Willikins, âbut bear this in mind: what does it matter once the ball has dropped?â
I t was Mrs. Upshot who opened the cottage door, gave a little scream, slammed the door, opened the door to apologize for slamming the door, and then shut the door carefully, leaving Vimes on the doorstep. Thirty seconds later Feeney opened the door, with his nightshirt tucked into his trousers. âCommander Vimes! Is something wrong?â he said, trying valiantly to tuck all the nightshirt inside.
Vimes rubbed his hands together briskly. âYes, Chief Constable Upshot, almost everything is, but there is one part that can be made right with your help. Regarding the murder of the goblin girl, I have sufficient information to warrant apprehending two men for questioning. This is your manor, so professionally speaking I think itâs only right and proper that you assist me with the arrests.â
Vimes took a step into the room so that the face of Willikins was visible, and went on, âAnd I think you know Willikins, my manservant, who has volunteered to drive my coach and, of course, provide me with a clean white shirt should I need it.â
âYerrr,â growled Willikins, turning to wink at Vimes.
âChief Constable Upshot, Iâd be obliged if you would arm yourself with whatever you think you might need and, since you donât have a pair of handcuffs worth a damn, oh Iâm so sorry, then at least can you source some rope?â
The face of Feeney Upshot was a whole palette of conflicting emotions. Iâll be working with the famous Commander Vimesâhooray! But this is big and seriousâoh dear. But itâll be like being a real policemanâhooray! But thereâs already a hot water bottle in my bedâoh dear. On the other hand, if it all goes wrong, well, after all, the Duke of Ankh owns most of this place, so heâll have to take most of the blameâhooray! And maybe if I distinguish myself I can get a job in the city, so that my mum can live in a place where you donât lie awake at night listening to the mice fighting the cockroachesâhooray! *
It was a treat for Vimes to watch the ladâs face in the candlelight, especially as Feeney moved his lips as he thought. And so he said, âIâm sure, Chief Constable Upshot, that assistance in this matter will be very helpful to your future career.â
This last comment caused Mrs. Upshot, peering over her sonâs shoulder, to flush with pride and say, âHark at his grace, Feeney! You could make something of yourself, just like Iâm always telling you! No arguing now, off you go, my lad.â
This motherly advice was punctuated by Mrs. Upshot bobbing up and down so fast that she could have been harnessed to a sewing machine. Thank goodness for old mums, Vimes thought, as Feeney eventually got into the coach with a flask of hot tea, a spare pair of clean drawers and half an apple pie.
As the wheels started to turn, and after Feeney had finished waving to his old mum out of the window, Vimes, balancing carefully against the rocking, lit the little spirit lamp that was all the coach had for illumination. He fell back into his seat again and said, âIâd be grateful, lad, if you would take some time to write down in your notebook everything Iâve said to you since I arrived this evening. It might be of assistance to both of us.â Feeney practically saluted, and Vimes continued, âWhen we saw the dead goblin girl the other day, Mr. Feeney, did you make a note of that in your notebook?â
âYes, sir!â Feeney nearly saluted again. âMy
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