Soul Beach

still jumpy. Mum’ll be home soon, so I do need to go upstairs, out of the way, because I don’t want to have to lie to her about ‘how school was today’. Maybe a shower will help me feel a tiny bit better.
    It’s only when I step into the hall that I see the card on the console table. I assume it must be a taxi ad, but when I pick it up, the card is too thick. I see the name Lewis Tomlinson and a mobile number embossed in chrome against a deep blue felted background. Expensive.
    I turn it over. He’s written Call me anytime. I know I could help. L
    Yeah, right. I put the card in my pocket. I’m never going to call him, but I need to throw the card away outside the house, because the last thing I need is for Mum to find it in the bin – she already carries out random searches through the rubbish to try to keep tabs on Dad’s terrible diet – and start interrogating me on why a random IT geek is offering to help me out.

Before that night, I’d never lost control.
    And it hasn’t happened since. Not even a hint that it could happen again. Until today.
    Meggie made me lose control that first time, so perhaps it is no surprise that her sister might remind me of how it felt. The family resemblance is not obvious, but genes are about more than the same button nose or the same curve of the chin.
    Seeing her was exhilarating. If anything, she is more appealing than her sister was, because little Alice has no awareness of her power. Her sharpness. Her potential . . .
    I won’t let it take me over, though, not like the last time. The pleasure is so fleeting, and the consequences and the subterfuge so exhausting. So I must control myself. Learn from my mistakes.
    Better that way for everyone. But especially for Alice Forster.

38
    On the Beach, the smoky smell is so strong that I check behind my laptop, to see if it’s over-heating.
    No. Just another hallucination . . .
    There’s a haze above the sea, which at first I think is from the heat, but then I realise it has a strong yellow tinge to it.
    The first familiar face I see as I walk towards ‘Meggie’s’ palm tree, is Triti’s. She’s sitting stock still on the sand, ignoring everything that’s going on around her. At first I think maybe she’s doing some yoga thing, but then I notice the tears streaming down her face.
    ‘Triti! What’s happened?’
    She keeps staring ahead. ‘Nothing.’
    ‘It doesn’t look like nothing. Shall I go and get one of the others?’
    She gives me a nervous glance. ‘No! No, I’ve bored them to death with all of my problems already.’
    I sit down beside her on the sand. ‘You haven’t bored me yet.’
    Her hands are locked together in her lap. ‘It’s nothing.’
    ‘Are we stuck in an echo chamber or something?’ I ask with a smile.
    She looks at me, and her big brown eyes look flat. ‘Here. This. The same nothingness, every single day, for eternity. I can’t cope with it any more.’
    I stare at the sand, trying to think of an upside to nothingness. The smoky smell gets stronger and I realise what it is. Gunpowder. ‘But it’s not always the same, Triti. What about the firework display. I’ve never seen you so happy.’
    ‘Yeah, exactly.’ She spits out the words. ‘Fireworks now and then. Hey! Maybe we can even get turkey at Christmas if we shout loud enough.’ She stares up at the sky, as if that’s where the power is.
    I want to ask her about the past, but daren’t risk getting banned from the site. I have to put my sister first, even though seeing Triti like this almost makes me want to weep myself.
    Eventually I say, ‘Meggie told me. About what happened to you.’
    ‘Yeah, we’ve all got our tragedies. Mine’s no worse or no better than anyone else’s. Except I did it to myself, didn’t I? I’ve got no right to moan.’
    ‘Something made you do that, though, Triti. No one would do that unless they were desperate.’
    Have I gone too far? I wait for the beach to fade away.
    Triti laughs bitterly. ‘Desperate? Or just desperately selfish? I’m not a victim, except of my own vanity. Or stupidity.’
    ‘It’s not that simple, is it? Perhaps it would help to talk to some of the other people who did the same.’
    ‘Other anorexics? I haven’t found any.’
    ‘But surely if you’re here there must be others? Or suicides?’
    She shrugs. ‘Yeah, there are. But not as many as I thought there’d be. Just topping yourself doesn’t win you a place in forever, but I don’t know what