Sweet Revenge: 200 Delicious Ways to Get Your Own Back

to get out and give it to them.
    As he approached, one of the 'Russians' stepped forward and addressed him in fluent Czechoslovak - a language unknown to the young Frenchman. After five minutes of torrential Czech abuse the Frenchman offered the bottle which was promptly smashed by the bogus guard who then, at machine-gunpoint, marched him into a dark corner where his hands were tied and a hood put over his head. He was told he was under arrest and would be taken to KGB HQ for interrogation.
    The Frenchman was thrown into the back of a 'military vehicle' and driven for another long period round in circles until they arrived at the officers' mess where he was manhandled into the cellars and tied to a chair in front of a table on which there was a strong reading light pointing at him so that when the hood was removed, he could see nothing. He assumed he was alone. He cowered - not knowing twenty officers had crammed in to watch the proceedings.
    The Orderly Officer appeared. In his hands he carried a silver tray on which was a bottle of champagne and a glass and the Frenchman was asked politely whether he would care to drink the health of his host regiment. It took several hours to convince the terrified young man that he wasn't actually in East Germany.
    After a considerable amount of pride-swallowing and a rather spurious excuse about a sick relation, he was never seen again.
     

     
    A member of the Welsh Guards recalls a time when, on exercise in Germany, they were allocated a cook from the Army Catering Corps. He was a large man and, amongst other irritating habits, he simply would not use the latrines. Every morning he would go into the bushes outside the perimeter fence to perform his evacuations. One morning the boys decided to follow him - he was not a tactical man and did not notice them behind him in the bracken. They watched him as he held on to a branch and squatted. Gently they slipped a long-handled shovel underneath him. The cook deposited his load right in the middle and the boys quietly removed it. They could hardly restrain their giggles as they saw the corpulent corporal turn to inspect his deposit and see - nothing! Puzzlement registered in his expression and, ashenfaced, he returned to base. It was evidently a sobering experience as he returned to the spot later and was seen scrabbling through the leaves, still seeking the evidence.
     

     
    Sir Reginald Bennett tells us of a young officer in an RAF mess who made a thorough nuisance of himself - he would regularly become drunk and rude, and then would become violent and start breaking things, and would

     
    usually end each binge by throwing up. Everyone was fed up with him and warned him that if he went on doing this he would sick up his own guts. This had absolutely no effect on him - he continued to drink too much. The others decided that this had to stop and enough was enough.
    One day, during one of his binges, they got hold of some rabbits' entrails and waited until he reeled off to bed. When he was safely asleep they crept into his room and put them all over his pillow and face. The next day he was supposed to be on duty and he appeared at breakfast, white as a sheet, very cowed and quite unlike his usual bumptious self. When asked if something was wrong he replied: 'As a matter of fact something rather awful happened. You remember you warned me more than once that if I continued to drink an awful lot and get sick that one day I would throw up my own guts? I'm sorry to say it actually happened last night - but I managed to get them back down again.'
     

     
    A tidy act of military revenge took place during the Second World War. The Pioneer Corps regiment did a lot of the less popular jobs in the Army: digging latrines, building huts and being really resourceful at obtaining and replacing broken items and parts. During the march through Normandy and Belgium a few of them were billeted at a farmhouse. The farmer's wife was an old harridan who, they said, milked the system and wanted all the perks. When the army was to move on they offered to do some decorating in her house. She was delighted and they worked like mad. One of the rooms they did was her loo which they left in pristine condition - they even redecorated her toilet seat! She only found out later that they had used varnish that never dried.
    - with thanks to Christopher Rhys-Jones.
     

     
    Squadron Leader Peter Tomlinson, ADC to 'Bomber' Harris and brother of Mary Poppins'