Sweet Revenge: 200 Delicious Ways to Get Your Own Back

board director but at last they managed to get the twelve boxes open.
    When they finally discovered which was the offending box the bank wrote to our friend the owner asking why he had put four trout and a camembert into a safety deposit box. His reply was a classic: 'Dear Sirs, Thank you so much for your letter. You have put my mind at rest. I was due to have a dinner party that evening and I have been wondering ever since where I mislaid my shopping.'
     

     
    Revenge by National Lottery has apparently been perpetrated. Iain Madeley arranged to hold a dinner party one Saturday and invited, among others, a friend who owed him some money and always had a good excuse why he

    could not pay it back. This was early in 1995 when the National Lottery was still quite a novelty so, while drinks were being served, Iain handed each guest a lottery ticket for a little fun.
    Eight o'clock arrived and the television was switched on amid feverish excitement; even more so when five of the debtor's numbers came up. There were cheers and congratulations, lots of bottles were opened and toasts proposed. With a great flourish he produced his chequebook and generously repaid his debt with interest. Iain hid a smile as he pocketed the cheque: he had played a video recording of the previous week's lottery numbers and had carefully chosen five of the previous week's numbers especially for his friend.
    By the time his friend went to claim his winnings, the cheque had been honoured by express clearance.
     

     
    'When I was in my twenties and still one of the youngest auctioneers in London, I was conducting an auction of nineteenth-century European paintings. Amongst the crowd of gallery owners, collectors and private punters was a German dealer who normally bought cheaper paintings of all schools and styles: English or Spanish, cattle or mothers-with-babies were all meat and drink to him.
    'Whenever a painting was selling for less than about £500, a careful glance at him and the auctioneer might catch a twitch, a wink or an almost imperceptible nod of the head; woe betide the auctioneer who missed the bid... as I did twice in the first ten lots of the sale.
    'On the second miss his deep, guttural and very loud voice boomed out at me: "Vot are you doing young Bonham, are you sleeping or trying to sell pictures?" My response was something to the effect that if he bid more clearly etc., etc.
    'The rich, heavily-accented voice broke out again: "Englishman, you are a lousy auctioneer!"
    'Now, being told I am a bad auctioneer is as hurtful as being told one is a bad driver or a bad lover (for both of which I have had, thankfully, very few criticisms over the years!). I didn't miss another bid from him; indeed on the twelve lots he bought that auction I pushed him one or two bids higher on each occasion, costing him about £2,000. In 1970 that was a lot of money!
    'Ten years later, when he paid me the compliment of being one of the best auctioneers in London, I reminded him of the time, ten years before, when he called me a lousy auctioneer. I also told him it had cost him £2,000. His reaction was slow to come then the loudest laugh I have ever heard burst out. "I vos told to be polite to waiters or they spit into your food. Now I know I haff to add auctioneers to this list!" '
    - with thanks to Nick Bonham, deputy chairman, W and F C Bonham and Sons, auctioneers.
     

     
    A West Country gentleman was fed up with being outbid by dealers in an auction ring. He went to London and bought a splendid collection of rare Japanese Net-suke figures with a view to teaching the ring a lesson.
    He put a couple of the items into a local auction in Truro and bought them back himself, paying somewhat over the odds for them, watched all the time by the ring. A few weeks later he did the same, again watched closely by the ring. Then, several weeks later he discovered that the boys were heading up north to a large house sale and he put the rest of his Netsuke figures into it.
    The boys in the ring were delighted when they viewed the sale. Yes, they thought, we have a collector back in Truro; he's bound to buy this marvellous collection. They bought the whole lot, at a considerable price owing to a pretty steep reserve. When they were put into auction back in the West Country, no buyer could be found.
     

     
    Despite receiving written instructions from a customer, a certain local high street bank failed to carry out a request. As a result the customer lost