The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun

friends. Having a numerical goal seemed artificial at first, but it changed my attitude from “Do I like you? Do I have time to get to know you?” to “Are you someone who will be one of my three friends?” Somehow this shift made me behave differently: it made me more open to people; it prompted me to make the effort to say more than a perfunctory hello. Of course, “being friends” means different things in different stages of life. In college, I spent hours each day with my friends; these days I don’t spend nearly that much time with Jamie. I have several friends whose spouses I’ve never met. That’s okay.
    As I was trying to meet my friend quota, I often had to push myself to act friendlier than I felt. Once again, though, I saw the value of my Third Commandment: “Act the way I want to feel.” By acting more friendly, I made myself feel more friendly. Also, research shows that acting in an outgoing, talkative, adventurous, or assertive way makes people—even introverts—feel happier. That surprised me, because I thought introverts were happier in solitude and quiet. In fact, when introverts push themselves to act more outgoing, they usually enjoy it and find it cheering. Connecting with other people lifts people’s moods.
    Trying to make friends focused my attention on the challenge of making a good first impression—that is, how to act so that others would be interested in befriending me. First impressions are important, because when people evaluate others, they weigh initial information much more heavily than later information. Within ten minutes of meeting a new person, in fact, people decide what kind of relationship they want. I made a checklist for myself for my first encounters.
    Smile more frequently.
    Studies show that you tend to like people who you think like you; and that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct effect on how friendly you’re perceived to be. (In fact, people who can’t smile due to facial paralysis have trouble with relationships.)
    Actively invite others to join a conversation.
    This is polite and appreciated by everyone. A person outside the conversation is relieved to be inside, and a person already in the conversation feels good that the kind gesture has been made.
    Create a positive mood.
    Don’t focus attention on something negative, such as the long line at a bar or a bad experience on the subway. As Samuel Johnson said, “To hear complaints is wearisome alike to the wretched and the happy.” Another reason why this is important: Jamie and I were standing in the hall outside the main room of a large function. A guy we knew slightly came up to us and said, “Why don’t you go on in?”
    I answered, “The room is freezing, and the music is too loud.” Guess what? He was one of the chief organizers for the night.
    Open a conversation.
    Talk about the immediate circumstances: the reason for the event, the decor of the room, or even that old chestnut, the weather. A friend checks Google News right before he goes into any social situation to find a piece of news to use as a conversational hook: “Did you see that…?”
    Try to look accessible and warm.
    Nod and say “Uh-huh,” lean forward to show interest, try to catchevery word, have good eye contact, use an energetic and enthusiastic tone, try to match the speed of the other person’s speech. You want to try not to glance around the room, sit with your legs extended, or turn your body away from your interlocutor—these postures show a lack of engagement.
    Show a vulnerable side and laugh at yourself.
    Show a readiness to be pleased.
    Most people would prefer to make people laugh than to laugh themselves; to educate rather than to be educated. It’s important to allow yourself to be amused and to be interested. After all, one of the most delightful of pleasures is to please another person.
    Follow others’ conversational leads.
    I often feel a perverse desire to thwart a person who is trying to drive a conversation in a particular way. I remember chatting with a guy who clearly wanted to talk about the fact that he had once lived in Vietnam, because he mentioned it a couple of times, casually and extremely tangentially. I should cooperate when I can tell that someone wants to talk about a certain issue.
    Ask questions.
    It’s a way to show interest and engagement, and most people love to talk about themselves.
    My research drew my attention to a phenomenon that I’d