The Merry Misogynist

said. “We can’t – ”
    He was interrupted by a woman’s scream.
    “Somebody sounds distressed,” Civilai decided.
    Another scream.
    “If I didn’t know better,” Siri smiled, “I’d say that was our own Nurse Dtui having a little fun with us.”
    The third scream was straight out of Bride of Frankenstein , and it didn’t end.
 
    Phosy, Siri, and Civilai paced up and down in front of the maternity theatre at Mahosot like three expectant fathers. In front, in this case, meant under the stars and beneath the electric bulb that burned over the door. A cloud of flying ants competed with them for space and forced the men back whenever they dared step forward to listen at the door. The short-lived and very annoying creatures usually appeared as a result of sudden rainstorms, but there hadn’t been a drop since November. Civilai put it down to the fact that Dtui’s water had broken with such force, the insect kingdom had interpreted it as the coming of the monsoons. Dtui hadn’t been in the mood to see the funny side of that. Whatever the reason, the theatre had been forced to close its doors and shutters to keep the insects out.
    “You were supposed to be a doctor,” Phosy said angrily.
    Siri raised his eyebrows. “And when did I cease to be?”
    “There you were, forcing her to work and having her traipse around hot temples on the day she was giving birth to our baby.”
    “Phosy, these things are unpredictable. The baby doesn’t have a wall calendar in there. She comes when she’s ready. She just happened to be ready a few weeks before we were expecting her. It happens.”
    Phosy seemed to be enjoying his bad mood.
    “Why does everyone keep assuming the baby’s a girl?” he asked.
    “Auntie Bpoo, the fortune-teller, told us,” Siri smiled.
    “You’re all mad,” Phosy decided. “And who is that clown in there birthing her? Why aren’t you doing it?”
    “The clown in there is Dr Bountien, the head of gynaecology,” Siri said patiently. “Although he may know more egg jokes than most, he is probably the best man in the country for this job. The reason I’m not doing it myself is that I’m a coroner, Phosy. The skills don’t overlap.”
    “It’s just not good enough,” Phosy huffed. Neither Siri nor Civilai was certain what ‘it’ was.
    “The world will seem a better place as soon as you see your daughter,” Siri told him.
    “Why’s it taking so long?”
    It occurred to Civilai that he had no cause to pace so he sat cross-legged on the dry grass. “Honestly, Phosy,” he said. “You’re acting like you’ve never had children before.”
    “I haven’t. Not live and in person. My ex always managed to produce when I was far from home.”
    “It could have been that you were far from home more often than not,” Siri commented.
    “Which in turn might explain why she’s his ex,” Civilai added.
    “Will you two stop bullying me? Can’t you see I’m tense?” They all heard a shrill sound like a whistle being squeezed out of a sparrow. “What was that?”
    “If I’m not mistaken, that was the sound of Dtui Junior making her debut,” Siri smiled.
    “Are you sure? Is it supposed to sound like that?”
    “If she’s got that much wind already, I think you should be very proud of her.”
    When the door finally opened, the nurse carrying five-minute-old Malee looked up at the cloud of insects and immediately covered the new arrival’s face with the towel. She ran a few metres until she was clear of the plague then turned to ask who the father was. Siri and Civilai both put up their hands but it was Phosy who stepped forward. The nurse unveiled the tiny girl, and Phosy’s face lit up like the fairy lights at the That Luang Festival. He looked at his friends with a smile so bright the insects left the lightbulb and started to circle around the inspector.
    “I’m a father,” he beamed.
    As the theatre and the maternity ward were in different buildings, the nurse hurried away, leaving Phosy by himself. Siri was about to remind him that he was a husband as well as a father, but the policeman had already started for the door. He knocked once and was told to go around the side where Dtui was recovering in an alcove.
    “She’s all right?” Phosy shouted through the door.
    “Fitter than I’ll ever be,” replied the doctor.
    Phosy punched the air and started for the side door. He paused, turned back, and hugged first Siri then Civilai – then Siri