The Science of Discworld II

what kind of land was in each parcel. All the aristocrats knew about peasant farming was a simplistic calculation: this much land will suffice for that many peasants. The peasants knew what was actually involved in growing food, so that the only thing you could do with a small piece of woodland, for instance, was to chop down all the trees to make room to grow some food.
    Today’s bean-counting managerial style in many businesses, and all British public services, is exactly the same. This kind of confrontation between the barbarian attitudes of the nobility and the tribal ones of the peasantry is precisely portrayed in many of Shakespeare’s plays,as an illustration of low-life, with its folk wisdom as comic relief and pathos, set against the lofty ideals of the ruling classes – leading so often to tragedy.
    But also to high comedy. Think of Theseus, Duke of Athens, on the one hand, and Bottom on the other, in A Midsummer Night’s Dream .
    1 On his first visit to England in 1930, Mahatma Gandhi was asked ‘What do you think of modern civilisation?’ He is said to have replied ‘That would be a good idea.’
    2 A time measurement we developed in The Science of Discworld as a ‘human’ way of measuring large amounts of time. It’s 50 years, a ‘typical’ age gap between grandparent and grandchild. Most of the really interesting bits of human development have taken place in the last 150 Grandfathers. Remember – objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear.
    3 Most of them being Grandfather bacteria, you appreciate. That’s the trouble with metaphors.
    4 Though they’re monkeys, not apes.
    5 It helps considerably to steal privilege from other species; for instance, all that food material in plant seeds, tubers and bulbs.
    6 It happens all the time on Discworld!
    7 But we eat sheep, too.

NINE
THE ELVISH QUEEN
    I N THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT , magic moved on silent feet .
    One horizon was red with the setting sun. This world went around a central star. The elves did not know this. If they had done, it would not have bothered them. They never bothered with detail of that kind. The universe had given rise to life in many strange places, but the elves were not interested in that, either .
    This world had created lots of life, too. None of it had ever had what the elves considered to be potential. But this time …
    It had iron, too. The elves hated iron. But this time, the rewards were worth the risk. This time …
    One of them signalled. The prey was close at hand. And now they saw it, clustered in the trees around a clearing, dark blobs against the sunset .
    The elves assembled. And then, at a pitch so strange that it entered the brain without the need to use the ears, they began to sing .
    â€˜Charge!’ cried Archchancellor Ridcully.
    The wizards, all bar Rincewind, charged. He peered around from behind a tree.
    The elf song, a creative dissonance of tones that went straight into the back of the brain, ceased abruptly.
    Thin figures spun around. Almond eyes glowed in triangular faces.
    People who knew the wizards only as the world’s most avid diners would have been quite surprised at their turn of speed. Besides, while it may take a little while for a wizard to reach maximum acceleration,he’s then very hard to stop. And he carries such a cargo of aggression; the stratagems of the Uncommon Room at UU are guaranteed to give any wizard a maximum load of virulence just itching for a target.
    The Dean hit first, striking an elf a blow with his staff. A horseshoe had been wired to the end. The elf screamed and twisted back, clutching at its shoulder.
    There were many elves but they hadn’t been expecting an attack. And iron was so powerful. A handful of flung nails had the effect of buckshot. Some tried to fight back, but the dread of iron was too strong.
    The prudent and the survivors took to their skinny heels, while the dead evaporated.
    The attack took less than thirty seconds. Rincewind watched it from behind his tree. He was not being cowardly, he reasoned. This was a job for specialists, and could safely be left to the senior wizards. If, later on, there was a problem involving slood dynamics or fretwork, or someone needed to misunderstand some magic, he would be happy to step forward.
    There was a rustling behind him.
    Something was there. What it was changed as he turned and stared.
    The first talent of the elves was