Thief of Time

with a faint scream that was heard via the hairs on the back of the neck.
    Susan glared at the figure in front of her.
    “You’re a…you can’t be a…what are you?” she demanded.
    The figure was silent. This may have been because thick cloth covered its nose and mouth. Heavy gloves encased its hands, too. And this was odd, because most of the rest of it was wearing a sequined evening gown. And a mink stole.
    And a knapsack. And a huge picture hat with enough feathers to make three rare species totally extinct.
    The figure rummaged in the knapsack, and then thrust out a piece of dark brown paper, as if proffering holy writ. Lobsang took it with care.
    “It says here, ‘Higgs & Meakins Luxury Assortment,’” he said. “Caramel Crunch, Hazelnut Surprise…they’re chocolates?”
    Susan opened her hand and looked at the crushed Strawberry Whirl she had picked up. She gave the figure a careful look.
    “How did you know that would work?” she said.
    “Please! You have nothing to fear from me,” said the muffled voice through the bandages. “I’m down to the ones with the nuts in now, and they don’t melt very quickly.”
    “Sorry?” said Lobsang. “You just killed an Auditor with a chocolate ?”
    “My last Orange Creme, yes. We are exposed here. Come with me.”
    “An Auditor…” Susan breathed. “You’re an Auditor, too. Aren’t you? Why should I trust you?”
    “There isn’t anyone else.”
    “But you are one of them ,” said Susan. “I can tell, even under all that…that stuff!”
    “I was one of them,” said Lady LeJean. “Now I rather think I’m one of me.”

    People were living in the attic. There was a whole family up there. Susan wondered if their presence was official or unofficial or one of those in-between states that were so common in Ankh-Morpork, where there was always a chronic housing shortage. So much of the city’s life took place on the street because there was no room for it inside. Whole families were raised in shifts, so that the bed could be used for twenty-four hours a day. By the look of it, the caretakers and men who knew the way to Caravati’s Three Large Pink Women and One Piece of Gauze had moved their families into the rambling attics.
    The rescuer had simply moved in on top of them. A family, or at least one shift of it, was seated on benches around a table, frozen in timelessness. Lady LeJean removed her hat, hung it on the mother, and shook out her hair. Then she unwrapped the heavy bandages from her nose and mouth.
    They revealed an exquisite mask of a face that had nevertheless been made up by a clown. Probably a blind clown. And one who was wearing boxing gloves. In a fog. The woman looked at the world through panda eyes and her lipstick touched her mouth only by accident.
    She looked down when she caught Susan’s stare.
    “I know what I look like,” she said. “I’m afraid I…I’m losing control. I’m sorry. There’s just too much…it’s all too…Ever since I…I just feel so…” She stopped and attempted to pull herself together. “My name is Myria LeJean. I know you, Susan Sto Helit. I do not know the young man, although there is something familiar about him. I take it you are here to destroy the clock?”
    “To stop it,” said Lobsang.
    “Hold on, hold on ,” said Susan. “This makes no sense. Auditors hate everything about life. And you are an Auditor, aren’t you?”
    “I have no idea what I am,” sighed Lady LeJean. “But right now I know that I am everything an Auditor should not be. We…they…we have to be stopped!”
    “With chocolate?” said Susan.
    “The sense of taste is new to us. Alien. We have no defenses.”
    “But…chocolate?”
    “A dry toast almost killed me,” said her ladyship. “Susan, can you imagine what it is like to experience taste for the first time? We built our bodies well. Oh, yes. Lots of taste buds. Even water is like wine. But chocolate…even the mind stops. There is nothing but the taste.” She sighed. “I imagine it is a wonderful way to die.”
    “It doesn’t seem to affect you,” said Susan suspiciously.
    “The bandages and the gloves,” said Lady LeJean. “Even then, it is all I can do not to give in. Oh, where are my manners? Do sit down. Pull up a small child.”
    Lobsang and Susan exchanged a glance. Lady LeJean noticed it.
    “I said something wrong?” she said.
    “We don’t use people as furniture,” said Susan.
    “But surely they will not be aware of