Unicorns? Get Real!

health problems that ranged from backaches to terrible headaches. Yet they were supposed to be constantly tumbling, juggling, and performing tricks for the court. “Positively nauseating!” Gundersnap hissed.
     
    Once campers had been in camp for one session, they were permitted to bring a servant to provide light entertainment—a family court jester, a juggler, a tumbler, or a troubadour. Gundersnap, however, was not bringing Gortle as a source of light entertainment, but to free him from what she considered the abuses of court life in Slobodkonia. Her mother, however, didn’t need to know that. She continued:
Well, I must close now as it is time for my evening prayers. My thoughts are with you on this campaign. Please give my love to all fifteen of my dear brothers and sisters. And —she looked up at the painting over her desk of her dear pony— a hug for Menschmik, and do give him one of those golden apples that he so loves.
Yours Very Truly,
Royal Princess Gundersnap Ludmilla Maria Theresa of the Empire of Slobodkonia
    As she finished the letter, Princess Gundersnap could hear the voices of her turretmates in the main salon. She crept toward the door to listen.
    “Holy monk bones! What in the name of Saint Sammy is this?” she heard Princess Alicia saying.
    Then Princess Kristen began reading aloud the note Gundersnap had left on the salon table.
Let it be understood that Gortle Zurf, court dwarf from the Empire of Slobodkonia, arrives in a few days and will not be here for my or anyone else’s entertainment. I deplore the use of extremely short human beings as a source of amusement. I am bringing him here expressly to spare him such abuses. He is here as my dear friend and confidant. Please attend to the following regulations: And I mean it . Smurchdot! (That means “Listen up” in Slobo.)
He shall not be asked to tumble .
He shall not be asked to jump through hoops .
He shall not be asked to ride aboard a dog or any creature other than a pony or horse of appropriate size .
He shall not be asked to sing, talk in a funny voice, or tell jokes .
He shall be treated with all the courtesy and respect that is extended to full-size adult human beings .
These regulations are issued by me, the Royal Princess Gundersnap of the Empire of Slobodkonia .
    Princess Kristen finished reading the document. There was silence for several seconds, and then Gundersnap could hear Princess Myrella’s voice.
    “I think she’s right,” said the tiny princess of the Marsh Kingdoms. “My own family hasn’t kept dwarves for years.”
    “We never kept dwarves,” said Kristen. “The Realm of Rolm is simply too cold for them. They’d get terrible arthritis.”
    “Besides, dwarves are so…so twelfth century,” said Princess Alicia. “Troubadours, your ordinary court jester—that’s one thing—but dwarves—that is so over!”
    “Indeed!” said a new voice. It belonged to Lady Merry von Schleppenspiel, the princesses’ lady-in-waiting. She was an immensely large lady with cascading multiple chins. She preferred the words “large” or “ample” to “fat.” “You know Gundersnap is a sensitive girl. She worries about everyone except herself,” said Lady Merry with a sigh.
    Gundersnap coughed loudly to give warning and then came through the door. “Dearie,” Lady Merry said, “we completely agree with you about Gortle. He should come for afternoon tea when he arrives. We’ll have a nice game of whist. He shall be entertained and not be the entertainment!” She nodded, and all eight of her chins trembled in fleshy agreement.
    At just that moment, there was the loud tinkling of a bell. “Enter,” Lady Merry sang out.
    Four chambermaids came in to the salon, each carrying a freshly ironed nightgown. And one also carried a scroll listing the next few days’ activities.
    Gilly, Alicia’s personal chambermaid and really the favorite of them all, stepped forward, smiling brightly. “You’ll be glad to hear that if the weather is good, there is to be no makeup class tomorrow with the Duchess of Bagglesnort.”
    There was a resounding “hooray” from all four princesses. The Snort, as they called the duchess, was their least favorite counselor. “No, Miladies, something much better.”
    “Vot is it?” When Princess Gundersnap became excited, she often lapsed into her heavy Slobodkonian accent, in which “w” became “v.”
    “Unicorns!” Gilly replied.
    Princess Gundersnap gasped. She could hardly