Unseen Academicals

money and pubs sent for him if there was a really dangerous brawl. Of course, in a sense, this made it even more dangerous, but by then most of it was out in the street.’
    ‘He threw people out of the buildings?’
    ‘Oh yes. In fairness, it was usually from the ground floor and he always opened the window first. He was a very gentle man, I understand. Made musical boxes for a living, very delicate, won awards for them. Teetotal, you know, and quite religious as well. The punching was just a job of casual work. I know for a fact he never tore off anything that couldn’t be stitched on again. A decent chap, by all accounts. Never met him, unfortunately. I’ve always wished I had something to remember the old boy by.’
    As one wizard, the faculty looked down at Ridcully’s huge hands. They were the size of frying pans. He cracked his knuckles. There was an echo.
    ‘Mister Stibbons, all we need to do is engage another team and lose?’ he said.
    ‘That’s right, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder. ‘You simply forfeit the game.’
    ‘But losing means being seen not to win, am I right?’
    ‘That would be so, yes.’
    ‘Then I rather think we ought to win, don’t you?’
    ‘Really, Mustrum, this is going too far,’ said the Senior Wrangler.
    ‘Excuse me?’ said Ridcully, raising his eyebrows. ‘May I remind you that the Archchancellor of this university is, by college statute, the first among equals?’
    ‘Of course.’
    ‘Good. Well, I am he. The word first is, I think, germane here. I see you scribbling in your little notebook, Mister Stibbons?’
    ‘Yes, Archchancellor. I’m looking to see if we could manage without the bequest.’
    ‘Good man,’ said the Senior Wrangler, glaring at Ridcully. ‘I knew there was no reason to panic.’
    ‘In fact I’m pleased to say that I think we could rub along quite well with only a minimal cut in expenditure,’ Ponder went on.
    ‘There,’ said the Senior Wrangler, looking triumphantly at the first among equals, ‘you see what happens if you don’t simply panic.’
    ‘Indeed,’ said Ridcully calmly. With his gaze still fixed on the Senior Wrangler he added, ‘Mister Stibbons, would you be so kind as to enlighten the rest of us: to what, in reality, does a “minimal cut in expenditure” equate?’
    ‘The bequest is a trust,’ said Ponder, still scribbling. ‘We have the use of the significant income from the very wise investments of the Bigger trustees, but we cannot touch the capital. Nevertheless, the income is enough to cover-I’m sorry to be imprecise-about eighty-seven point four per cent of the university’s food bill.’
    He waited patiently until the uproar had died away. It was amazing, he thought, how people would argue against figures on no better basis than ‘they must be wrong’.
    ‘I’m sure the Bursar would not agree with those figures,’ said the Senior Wrangler sourly.
    ‘That is so,’ said Ponder, ‘but I’m afraid that is because he regards the decimal point as a nuisance.’
    The faculty looked at one another.
    ‘Then who is dealing with our financial affairs?’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Since last month? Me,’ said Ponder, ‘but I would be happy to hand the responsibility over to the first volunteer.’
    This worked. Regrettably, it always did. ‘In that case,’ he said, in the sudden silence, ‘I have worked out, with reference to calorific tables, a regime that will give every man here a nourishing three meals a day—’
    The Senior Wrangler frowned. ‘Three meals? Three meals? What kind of person has three meals a day?’
    ‘Someone who can’t afford nine,’ said Ponder flatly. ‘We could eke out the money if we concentrate on a healthy diet of grains and fresh vegetables. That would allow us to keep the cheeseboard with a choice of, say, three types of cheese.’
    ‘Three cheeses isn’t a choice, it’s a penance!’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
    ‘Or we could play a game of football, gentlemen,’ said Ridcully, clapping his hands together cheerfully. ‘One game. That’s all. How hard would that be?’
    ‘As hard as a face full of hobnails, perhaps?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘People get trodden into the cobbles!’
    ‘If all else fails, we will find volunteers from the student body,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Corpse might be a better word.’
    The Archchancellor leaned back in his chair. ‘What makes a wizard, gentlemen? A facility with magic? Yes, of course, but around this