Unseen Academicals

already got a good steady job at the university,’ Glenda said. But the sherry said, ‘Once in a while isn’t over yet. Don’t spoil it!’ *
    Madame, who clearly had an instinct for this kind of thing, put an arm around her shoulders. ‘The problem with dwarf ladies, you see, is that a lot of us are a little shy about being the centre of attention. I also have to bear in mind that dwarf clothing is proving quite interesting to young humans of a certain turn of mind. Your daughter is human—’ Madame turned briefly to Juliet. ‘You are human, aren’t you, dear? I find it pays to check.’
    Juliet, apparently staring rapturously into a private world, nodded enthusiastically.
    ‘Oh good,’ said Madame. ‘And while she is exquisitely well built and moves like a dream, she is not too much taller than the average dwarf and frankly, my dear, some of the ladies would aspire to being a little taller than they are. This may be letting the side up, but that walk, my word. Dwarfs have hips, of course, but they seldom know what to do with them…I’m sorry, have I said something wrong?’
    The half-pint of sherry so recently consumed by Glenda finally gave way under the pressure of her rage. ‘I am not her mother. She is my friend.’
    Madame shot her another of those looks that gave her the feeling that her brain was being taken out and examined minutely. ‘Then would you mind if I paid your friend’-there was a pause-‘five dollars to model for me this afternoon?’
    ‘All right,’ said the sherry to Glenda. ‘You wondered where I was going to take you and here you are. Can you see the view? What are you going to do now?’
    ‘Twenty-five dollars,’ said Glenda.
    Pepe clapped her, or possibly his, cheeks again and screamed, ‘Yes! Yes!’
    ‘And a shop discount,’ said Glenda.
    Madame gave her a long-drawn-out stare. ‘Excuse me one moment,’ said the dwarf.
    She walked over and took Pepe’s arm, walking him at some speed to the corner. Glenda could not hear what was said over some nearby riveting and someone having hysterics. Madame came back smirking artificially, Pepe trailing her. ‘I have a show starting in ten minutes and my best model has dropped her pickaxe on her foot. We shall negotiate any future engagements. And will you please stop that jumping up and down, Pepe?’
    Glenda blinked. I cannot believe I just did that , she thought. Twenty-five dollars for putting some clothes on! That’s more than I earn in a month! That’s just not right. And the sherry said, ‘What exactly is wrong here? Would you dress up in chain mail and parade in front of a lot of strangers for twenty-five dollars?’
    Glenda shuddered. Certainly not , she thought.
    ‘Well, there you are then,’ said the sherry.
    But it will all end in tears , thought Glenda.
    ‘No, you’re just saying that because part of you thinks it should,’ said the sherry. ‘You know there are far worse things that a girl could do for twenty-five dollars than put some clothes on. Take them off, for a start.’
    But what will the neighbours say? was the last despairing argument from Glenda.
    ‘They can stick it up their jumper,’ said the sherry. ‘Anyway, they won’t know, will they? Dolly Sisters doesn’t shop in the Maul, it’s far too grand. Look, we’re looking at twenty-five dollars. Twenty-five dollars to do what you couldn’t stop her doing now with a length of lead pipe. Just look at her face! She looks as if someone has lit a lamp inside.’
    It was true.
    Oh, all right then , thought Glenda.
    ‘Good,’ said the sherry. ‘And incidentally, I’m feeling lonely.’
    And as the tray was at Glenda’s elbow again, she reached out automatically. Juliet was now surrounded by dwarfs and, by the sound of it, she was having a lightning education in how to wear clothing. But it wouldn’t matter, would it? The truth of the matter was that Juliet would look good in a sack. Somehow, everything she wore fitted perfectly. Glenda, on the other hand, never found anything good in her size and indeed seldom found anything in her size. In theory, something should fit, but all she ever found was facts, which are so unbecoming.

    ‘Well, we have a nice day for it,’ said the Archchancellor.
    ‘Looks like rain,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes hopefully.
    ‘I suggest two teams of five on a side,’ said Ridcully. ‘Only a friendly game, of course, just to get the hang of it.’
    Ponder Stibbons made no comment. Wizards were