Unseen Academicals

luggage,’ he growled. ‘And where that is, Rincewind can’t be far in front. Rincewind!’
    ‘Actually, it wasn’t my fault,’ said Rincewind.
    ‘He’s right, sir,’ said Nutt. ‘I have to apologize for the fact that this was a group misapprehension. I understand it is a remarkably magical chest on hundreds of little legs and I am afraid that the gentlemen here believed that it would play football like stink, as they put it. In which surmise, I have to say, they were proved wrong.’
    ‘I tried to tell them,’ said the former Dean from the edge of the crowd. ‘Morning, Mustrum. Good team you have here.’
    ‘All its feet do is get in each other’s way,’ said Bengo Macarona. ‘And if it does get on top of the ball, it spins out of control and, alas, it crashed into Mister Sopworthy here.’
    ‘Oh, well, we learn by our mistakes,’ said Ridcully. ‘And now, do you happen to have something nice to show me?’
    ‘I think I have the very thing, Archchancellor,’ said a cheerful but reedy voice behind him.
    Ridcully turned and looked into the face of a man with the shape and urgency of a piccolo. He seemed to be vibrating on the spot.
    ‘Professor Ritornello, Master of the Music,’ Ponder whispered into Ridcully’s ear.
    ‘Ah, Professor,’ said Ridcully smoothly, ‘and I see you have the choir with you.’
    ‘Yes indeed, Archchancellor, and I must tell you, I am thrilled and filled with inner light by what I have witnessed this morning! Without ado, I have penned a chant, such as you asked for!’
    ‘Did I?’ said Ridcully, out of the corner of his mouth.
    ‘You will remember that chanting was mentioned and so I thought it best to alert the professor,’ whispered Ponder.
    ‘Another pp, eh? Oh, well.’
    ‘Happily, it is based on the traditional plainchant or stolation form and is a valedicta, or hail to the winner. May I?’ said Professor Ritornello. ‘It is a cappella, of course.’
    ‘Go ahead, by all means,’ said Ridcully.
    The Master of the Music pulled a short baton out of his sleeve. ‘I’ve put the name of Bengo Macarona in there for a marker at the moment, because he has apparently scored two fine “goals”, as I believe they are called,’ he said, dealing carefully with the word as one might deal with a large spider in the bathtub. Then he caught the eyes of his little flock, nodded, and:
Hail the unique qualities of Magister Bengo Macarona! Of Macarona the unique qualities Hail! Hail the! Hail the! The singular talent possessed by no other! Hail! Hail the! Hail the bountiful gods! Who to the, two the—SINGULA SINGULAR SINGULA!
    After a minute and a half of this Ridcully coughed loudly, and the Master waved the choir into a stuttering silence.
    ‘Is there something untoward, Archchancellor?’
    ‘Er, not as such, Master, but, er, do you not feel that it is a bit too, well, long?’ Ridcully was aware that the former Dean was not trying very hard to suppress a snigger.
    ‘Not at all. In fact, sir, I intend that when it is finished it will be scored for forty voices and, though I dare to say so, will be my masterwork!’
    ‘But it is something for football fans to sing, you see?’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Well then,’ said the Master, holding his baton in a rather threatening manner, ‘is it not the duty of the educated classes to raise the standards of the lower orders?’
    ‘He’s got a point there, Mustrum,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, and Ridcully felt his grandfather kick him in the heredity, and was glad that maid wasn’t here-what was her name now? Oh, yes, Glenda, smart woman-but although she was not there he saw something of her expression in Trev Likely’s face.
    ‘During the week, possibly,’ he snapped, ‘but not on Saturdays, I think. But very well done, anyway, and I look forward to hearing more of your efforts.’
    The Master of the Music flounced out with the choir flouncing out in perfect unison behind him.
    Ridcully rubbed his hands together. ‘Well, gentlemen, perhaps you could show me your moves.’
    While the players spread out in the Hall, Nutt said, ‘I must say that Professor Macarona is excelling at the game. He clearly has excellent ball skills.’
    ‘I’m not surprised,’ said Ridcully brightly.
    ‘The Librarian is, of course, an excellent keeper of the goal. Especially since he can stand in the middle and reach either side of it. I believe that it will be very hard for any of our opponents to get past him. And, of