Volume 01 - Dirty Shorts

had something snarky to say to any baddies we encountered. He was also a very supportive team player. As snarky as he was to the villains, he always had something supportive to say to the team even though we all still teased him about making newb moves. He was always using his turn to heal one of us, even if he had more exciting things he could be doing. As sweet as I thought it was that he always looked out for the team, I enjoyed it more when he went off on the creatures. The stuff he would shout at them never failed to make me laugh. Who can resist a hot guy that looks out for his own and makes you laugh?
    Unfortunately, even as Cable, my in-game conversations never went the way I wanted them to. Like last week, Cable told Sapphire she could use a bath—because she smelled like shit and was covered in slime from the fourteen-headed snot-slug she stupidly sliced open. (Everyone knew you killed those with a ranged attack.) Anyway, what I wanted Cable to say was, “Even covered in avocado snot and chunks of withering slug flesh, you still take my breath away. Not from the putrid odor either, but because your beauty shines through even the thickest secretions.” And then Cable would kiss those slime-covered gnome lips… or some deeply romantic gesture like that.
    This time would be different though, Sapphire got herself in trouble, and when Cable strutted in there to save her, he was going to say something smooth and flirty. Newest Mission: Flirt with Zack by Using Cable .
    Maybe now would be a good time to point out I don’t have split personalities. My new therapist, Nerey, told me that. I knew I controlled Cable, and Nerey said something about how I was just insecure and projecting all my confidence and esteem into the character of Cable, and I should work on focusing that confidence internally. I thought she was full of shit, but I liked talking to her. Something about paying her for her time made me open up. And I liked how instead of calling me a shy chicken, she would say I have a “nervous anxiety disorder preventing me from initiating communication with Zack,” or something fancy like that. I thought she was enabling me to remain distant more than actually helping me get past the anxiety. Maybe I needed a new therapist. Maybe I should’ve looked into getting a team of them?
    I thought about offering to pay Zack to see if that would help me relax enough to talk. Mission: Pay Zack was quickly marked ‘Too Risky’ and terminated. Knowing me, I’d probably think I was being sly and say something like, “How’s fifty bucks for an hour sound?” and he would think I was insinuating he was a whore and punch me in the face. That was the best case scenario, so no offering Zack compensation for his time.
    None of that matters now, though, because the game was going to let me be a hero. Randy and Rc were off searching for a juju or something in some underwater caverns. Cable’s not part of that storyline, so trust me, it was boring. While they were off swimming, Sapphire and Cable were trudging through the forsaken desert lands. We were searching for the Rod of Improbability. It was believed to be in the upside-down pyramid in the liver of the desert’s death oasis. The desert wasn’t an easy place to pass through and got tougher the closer you got to the liver. If gnomes could swim, Sapphire would be on the other mission since it was far easier. Easier as in boring. Luckily she couldn’t swim and was privileged enough to get rescued by Cable, repeatedly. That is, until this morning, day four in this hellacious desert.
    The worst thing imaginable happened. Okay, that was a little dramatic. Sapphire was kidnapped from her sleeping shelter. She was probably being beaten and tortured. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was being strung up by her ankles and having her skin melted off, slowly. I knew it was just awful, but I smiled thinking this was the best thing ever. Now Cable would get to really save his gnome and be the knight in abused armor.
    That morning, just before the sun was to rise, Cable was awoken from his sleep by the low-pitched mannish screams of Sapphire. Cable thought to himself , she probably saw a spider and is freaking out , but spiders would seem a lot larger to one so small. Still lying in his bedding, Cable began assessing the situation. Sapphire continued shrieking loud enough it could wake the dead.
    It was impossible to sleep in heavy armor, so he was only wearing a pair of snug