Volume 01 - Dirty Shorts

them, trying to stop laughing. Mission: Don’t Embarrass Myself . Fail. Mission: Remain Mysteriously Quiet Through the Night. Fail. Dog fucking damn it. Why did I have to snort? Randy isn’t even that funny, and instead of a cool chuckle, I snorted like a damn farm animal. Mission Update: Make it Through Rest of Night without Further Humiliating Myself.
    Luckily, they went back into helping Zack build his character after settling down from Randy’s soda act. I’ll admit I was a little jealous of Randy’s ability to speak around strangers and make friends and be funny. I could be funny, probably, if I wasn’t too scared to talk around people, especially people I found extremely attractive. I kept my head down, listening as Jayne explained our characters to Zack. Hopefully he would choose to be something different and complementary to our characters.
    I played Cable, a strong, well-spoken human warrior who was skilled with blades but preferred longswords. He wore heavy armor most of the time but underneath I envisioned a strong body with bulging muscles. Cable was confident and didn’t hesitate when making a decision. Basically, Cable was everything I wasn’t.
    Randy was a mage and wore traditional robes and amulets. He called his character Randy; yeah, Randy was just Randy. He was pretty original like that. He said it was because his character acts like he would if he could hurl fire-bolts or raise the dead.
    Brett’s character was a rogue, but in real life he worked at a bank. I don’t know how to picture his character. He was always changing to blend in with his surroundings. His character is Rc, but he won’t tell anyone what Rc means. It just adds to his character’s complexity, he said.
    We were all male characters, which was why Jayne tried to pressure Zack into making his character female, going on about how useful a female character would be, using her womanly wiles to help get discounts from shopkeepers or flirt with unsuspecting travelers (while the rest of us looted their shit). Of course, she was more persuasive than that.
    “That’s cool, I’ll play a female,” Zack readily agreed. I was surprised by how willing he was to play a female. Not that there was anything wrong with playing a female; he just looked so strong and manly. Yet he had no problem helping out the team and seemed rather excited about the whole thing.
    “What race and class do you want to be?” Jayne questioned.
    “I will be a cleric dark gnome named Sapphire,” Zack said smugly. I was impressed he knew exactly what he wanted to be, even if gnomes were creepy little devils.
    Randy sighed heavily, “It’s race then class, newb. ‘Dark gnome cleric’ is how you should say it.”
    “Who cares how he said he wants to be a gnome? I’m more concerned with how that’s supposed to be a ‘devious distraction’,” Brett reasoned, using air quotes, “when people won’t even see you unless you stand on a stool?” Brett obviously didn’t like the idea of having a female gnome on the team.
    “Maybe I’ll wear steel armor platform boots with spiked toes. And maybe you’ll notice when I kick you in the nuts.” Zack paused, taking a deep breath. “Sorry, I really got into character. Sapphire may be small, but she’s spunky and won’t put up with shit from anyone.”
    “Okay, this should be an interesting new addition to the game. Zack, please don’t kick me in the vagina for asking, but I’m curious why you chose to be a gnome?” Jayne inquired.
    “Why wouldn’t I pick a gnome? They are so adorable and tiny. Oh, and they have the cutest hats.” Was Zack on crack? Gnomes weren’t cute… they were terrifying. My grandma had gnomes in her flower garden and all they did was scare kids off the lawn. And the clothes were just tragic, no style or coordination. And the hats? Those were just long and pointy and split your face open if you ever fell on one.
    At least I knew Zack was most likely gay now. I was convinced he was at least sixty-eight percent gay. What kind of straight man would talk about gnome couture? Still, his level of taste left a lot to be desired, gay or straight. Maybe it was just wishful hoping that he would be gay and single and have a thing for socially-awkward nerds. Sure, his gnome-loving was creepy, but he was hot so it evened out. I could definitely tolerate small doses of gnome-speak if it meant getting to watch the way Zack smiled and used his hands to describe them.
    “I even have a