Volume 01 - Dirty Shorts

Leia,” I pleaded, watching her closely to gauge her reaction. Nothing, not even a muscle twitch, she had perfected the art of ignoring me. “This is serious, I think I really messed up.” She at least lifted her gaze to mine acknowledging my presence, but I could tell her thoughts were elsewhere. She would probably rather be outside playing ball than sitting here listening to me. “What happened? You ask.” My voice dripped with sarcasm. “Thanks for your concern. I got pulled over this afternoon.” Leia was watching me with what I could tell was only feigned interest. “When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win,’ and drove off.” I waited a moment for the impact of that to sink in to her pretty little head.
    Leia continued looking at me as if I was the idiot, but she was the one who I often caught with drool dripping down her chin. “Why did I do it? That’s the stupid part. I saw it on a T-shirt, and it just popped in my head. Before I knew it, my tires were kicking gravel back at the cop. When I glanced in my rearview mirror, he just stood there looking astounded.” I explained to Leia. She sighed, but I knew that sigh really meant ‘you’re pathetic.’ I ignored her. If I wasn’t in such desperate need of her help, I wouldn’t have even bothered. “You have no idea what it’s like in that type of situation; on the front line, survival instincts kick in, and mine screamed, ‘hit the gas, motherfucker!’”
    Leia just rolled onto her back, looking at me with her big, brown, puppy eyes. “What do you know anyway, you sniff your own butt and would happily eat your own poop if I didn’t stop you!” I chastised her, but started rubbing her soft belly so she’d know I didn’t really mean it. “Seriously though, I need you on my side for this one. Daddy Brayden loves you more than me, so if you could break the news to him, that would be great.” Leia didn’t look like she was on board with the plan, so I sweetened the deal, “I’ll buy you a new squeaky toy. That’s a sweet deal. You would be a fool not to take this.” I tried to make my voice as enticing as I could, knowing my tone might help persuade her to seeing things my way.
    It definitely got her attention, as she rolled back over and sat up, her little tail going back and forth. She was so adorable, you’d never suspect that beneath all of that cuteness there was a manipulative mastermind preparing for galactic domination. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop her, so I just tried to remain mostly on her good side. Then, when she assembled her empire, she might take mercy on me. Until that day came, I just tried to live life normally. Now that I had her attention, I told her the details of my plan and her role. “I was thinking I’d leave the closet open, and you could chew up a pair of daddy’s favorite shoes, you know, to take the heat off of me.” I could tell by the way her tail stopped wagging she wasn’t going for this plan. “You know he’ll never stay mad at you! But me, I’ll be in the doghouse for weeks.” I tried to reason with her. When Brayden came home, he would look at me and just know I’d done something. Sometimes I accused him of being a mind reader, but he always swore he wasn’t telepathic, he just knew me too well.
    In the end, I gave up on convincing Leia for help. She was too much of a daddy Brayden’s girl, and I was just the person that followed her around, serving her food and picking up her poop. Well, if she wouldn’t help me, I had other things I could do to prepare for his welcome home. I had the perfect new toy to try out too. I just hoped he’d like it.

    ****

    A few hours later, there was a knock on the front door. I am one of those people that never looked through the peephole before opening the door. Brayden was always telling me to check before opening the door, but something about the way it was called a ‘peephole’ creeped me out. I told him if he wanted me to check that first, he could install a new door with a window. Since that hasn’t happened, I guess he isn’t too concerned about me one day opening the door to a machete-wielding lunatic. I didn’t hear Leia, she must still be sleeping in the bedroom.
    I wasn’t surprised to see the cop standing there, but if I had looked first, I probably would have pretended not to be home, just to see what he’d do. Could not answering the door