Where Nerves End

I guess it was a stupid question. Im just used to straight guys being a little…uncomfortable with the idea.”
“Nah, its not a stupid question. If youre used to weird reactions, I can see being on guard for anyone to react that way.”
Silence fell again. After Id given our now deceased conversation a reason to take an awkward turn, I wasnt sure what to say to get us back on a more comfortable topic. Maybe it was better to just let it be. Go inside, call it a night, and see if the awkwardness followed us into the next day.
I took a breath, fully intending to wish him a good night before I went in to get some sleep, but he spoke before I could.
“Do you ever question it?”
I furrowed my brow. “Question what?”
“The fact that youre gay?”
“Not anymore.”
“But you did?”
“Of course I did.” I laughed. “Who wouldnt? I dont think anyone volunteers for the crap we put up with, so I had plenty of „are you sure about this? conversations with the mirror.”
“But you always came to the same conclusion.”
I nodded.
“Were you ever…” He paused, looking out at the yard instead of me. “Did you ever date women?”
“No. A lot of guys do—shit, didnt Seth date the prom queen when you guys were in highschool?”
Michael laughed. “Yeah, he did. Lucky son of a bitch.”
“I think Id have preferred the prom king, but hey, more power to him.”
“Yeah really,” Michael said quietly. “You know, Ive always wondered if he was experimenting or if he knew and was just trying to hide it from his parents.”
“He was out to you by then, wasnt he?”
Michael nodded. “Me, and no one else that Im aware of. But he kept dating girls, so I…” He trailed off and went silent for a long moment. “God, he was so scared of his parents finding out. It was hard to tell when he was trying something for his own curiosity or as a cover story.”
“Maybe it was a little of both.”
“Maybe.” Tilting his head back and looking at the stars, he said, “So you never experimented with women?”
“Nope.” I followed his gaze upward. “By the time I was even interested in dating, I knew I had zero interest in women.”
“That must have been…I dont know, a relief, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
“Knowing for sure.”
I rolled the comment around in my head for a moment. “I guess it was. I mean, I still questioned it just because I didnt like the idea of coming out, but I never could convince myself I was attracted to women.”
“What happened when you came out?” he asked. “Was your family supportive?”
To this day, it still choked me up a little, thinking about how scared I was before and how relieved I was after Id said those two unretractable words to my parents. I’m gay , my younger, slightly higher voice still echoed in the back of my mind. I’m gay.
And my parents had been stunned. Totally taken aback. Never had a clue. They werent angry or upset, not even for a second, but it definitely blew their minds for a few terrifying minutes. But after those few minutes, when the truth had sunk in, my parents told me they loved me, and that had not and would not change.
“They were saints,” I whispered.
“Youre lucky,” he said, his voice no louder than my own.
“Believe me, I know.” I turned toward him. “I remind myself of that every single day.”
Michael said nothing.

CHAPTER 10
    When I came home one evening from running errands, Seths truck was in the driveway. I found him and Michael in the living room, talking shit over some video games with beer bottles—one in front of Michael, three in front of Seth—on the coffee table.
    They looked up as I came in, and Seth gestured with his controller. “Hey, man. You want to play?”
I shook my head. “No, I think Im going to go out and—” My eyes darted toward Michael, and I wasnt sure why, but warmth flooded my cheeks. I cleared my throat.“Ive been putting off some admin work I need to finish at the club. I should go get it done before it keeps me up all night.”
Michael glanced at me, eyebrows up, but quickly focused on the game again, and I just as quickly turned to go.
“You work too much,” Seth called after me as I started toward the stairs. “Going to be an old man before your time.”
“Thats why I have mature friends like you,” I called back. “Keeps me young and stupid.”
“I live to serve!”
Chuckling, I headed upstairs and into my bedroom, where I changed into something a little more presentable than faded