Worth the fight

dreamland, you see that moment, the one frozen in time in your head.  And then you ’re afraid to close your eyes.   Afraid to sleep, afraid of the nightmares that you know will come.  Terrified to be forced to relive it all again in your head, because it will all seem so real. 
    Yesterday I finally took the pills that Preach had been trying to give me to push on him since the first night.  His body needs to rest, the physical injuries demand time to heal.  Nico may have been the victor, but his body took a relentless beating in those short minutes that he surrendered.  He’s swollen and cut and black and blue.  Everywhere.  I held ice to his injuries when he finally slept, rotating different places on his body every fifteen minutes for more than ten hours, until there was nothing cold left in the freezer to hold against him.  Those pills work, he didn’t once move…not from the ice held against him or from my touch. 
    But today it’s gotten worse.  A sick, twisted part of me almost wishes that he was still drugged and sleeping.  At least then I could pretend that everything was normal and he was just recovering from the fight.  Today he’s no longer sleepy or withdrawn, he’s up and around and he wants nothing to do with me.  He won’t tell me to leave, but he doesn’t have to.  His body said it when I touched him this morning and he flinched.  I should be more understanding of what he’s going through, but his innate reaction tore through me, shredding my heart in pieces.
    I don’t want to push him, but I can’t help myself.  I’m selfish, hating the feeling in my gut, I need to know he’s okay.  That we’ll be okay.  I have no idea if it will work, but I can’t stay here anymore just waiting for him to push me further away.  He doesn’t acknowledge it when I pack up my bag, I wish his desire for me to stay was stronger.  That it would be enough to make him snap out of it as he watches me walk out the door.  But instead, he just nods when I tell him I’m going home.  I kiss him goodbye on the lips softly, even though he doesn’t respond.  I want to feel that beautiful mouth on mine one last time before I go, knowing it could be the last after what I’m about to do.
    ***
    Even though I took a few days off, I go straight to the office from Nico’s to talk to Regina, hoping she will support my decision.  Lawrence is at the desk when I walk in, and he’s smiling.  He probably thinks we’ve been out celebrating.  His face falls as I get closer.  I’m a mess and I can’t even begin to try to hide it. 
    “Can you take an early lunch?”  Regina is standing to go with me before I finish the question.  Lawrence doesn’t balk when I tell him I need the rest of the week off.  I’ve hardly taken any time since I started and I work twice the amount of hours as most. 
    Lawrence stops me as I turn to leave with Regina.  “Take care of yourself.  And keep this one for the rest of the day.  I’ll get the old ball and chain to come over and work reception.  She’s been bugging me to spend more time with her anyway…maybe this will count toward my new quota.”  He tries to make light of his concern for me, but it’s written on his face clear as day.  Surprising him, I reach up and kiss his cheek before Regina and I take off from the office.
    ***
    It’s true, you really can find anything with Google, and a little determination these days.  As soon as I find what I need, I call and set a time to see him the next day.  I wish it was today, but it will have to do.  Regina stays with me the rest of the night, pretending to fall asleep on my couch, but I know she never planned to leave from the minute she caught sight of me today. 
    ***
 
    Nico
    It’s been days since I saw her.  At least I think it has.  One day just rolls into the next when you lie around and wallow in your own self-pity.  She hasn’t called since she left and I don’t blame her. 
    Fucking Preach had me believing that the f ight would heal me, like getting back in the cage would make me feel whole again, normal.  Things were starting to go good for the first time in a long time before I went back.  It was my decision, but I’ll never forgive Preach for telling me it was right. 
    I should have just finished what I started, let him pummel me until I was out.  But then I started to lift myself from the mat, ready to receive my final penance, when I caught sight of her.  It was only