You Suck: A Love Story

by the extinct people on Nick at Nite.
    “I think I’m going to pass,” Jody said. She was hungry, but not cat-breath hungry. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do about feeding. She couldn’t very well try to live off Tommy anymore, and regardless of the rush and the sense that she was serving nature’s cause by taking only the weak and the sick, she didn’t like the idea of preying on humans-strangers anyway. She needed time to think, to figure out what their new life was going to be like. Things had been happening too quickly since Tommy and his friends had taken down the old vampire. She said, “We should get Chet back to his owner to night if we can. You don’t want to lose your driver’s license-we may need a valid ID to rent a new place.”
    “A new place?”
    “We have to move, Tommy. I told Inspectors Rivera and Cavuto that I would leave town. You don’t think they’ll check?” There had been two homicide detectives who had followed the trail of bodies to the old vampire, and ultimately the discovery of Jody’s delicate condition. She’d promised them that she’d take the old vampire and leave town if they’d let her go.
    “Oh yeah,” Tommy said. “That means I can’t go back to work at the Safeway either?”
    He wasn’t stupid, she knew he wasn’t stupid, so why was he so slow to see the obvious? “No, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Jody said. “Since you’re going to pass out cold at sunrise, just the way
    I do.”
    “Yeah, that’d be embarrassing,” Tommy said.
    “Especially when sunlight hits you and you burst into flames.”
    “Yeah, there’s got to be company policy against that.”
    Jody screamed in frustration.
    “Jeez, kidding,” Tommy said, cringing.
    She sighed, realizing that he’d been goofing on her. “Get dressed, cat breath, we don’t want to run out of dark. We’re going to need some help.”
    O ut in the great room, the vampire Elijah Ben Sapir was trying to figure out exactly what was going on around him. He knew he had been constrained-bound inside a vessel, and whatever held him was immovable. He’d even turned to mist, which relieved his anxiety somewhat-there was an ethereal mind-set that accompanied the form, it took concentration to not let yourself just float off in a daze-but the bronze shell was airtight. He could hear them talking, but their comments told him little except that his fledgling had betrayed him. He smiled to himself. What a foolishly human mistake to let hope triumph over reason. He should have known better.
    It would be days before the hunger was on him again, and even then, without any movement, he could last indefinitely without blood. He could live a very, very long time constrained like this, he realized-it was his sanity that would suffer. He decided to stay in mist form-drift as in a dream at night, sleep like the dead during the day. This way, he would wait, and when the time came, and it would come (if nothing else, living for eight hundred years had taught him patience), he would make his move.

5 – The Emperor of San Francisco
    Two in the morning. Normally, the Emperor of San Francisco would have been tucked in behind a Dumpster with the royal guard snuggled around him for warmth, snoring like a congested bulldozer, but to night he had been undone by the generosity of a Starbucks froth slave in Union Square who had donated a bucket-sized Holiday Spice Mochaccino to the cause of royal comfort, thus leaving the Emperor and his two companions jangled, wandering the wee hours on a nearly deserted Market Street, waiting for breakfast time to roll around.
    “Like crack with cinnamon,” said the Emperor. He was a great, boiler tank of a man, an ambling meat locomotive in a wool overcoat, his face a firebox of intensity, framed with a gray tempest of hair and beard such as are found only on gods and lunatics.
    Bummer, the smaller of the troops, a Boston terrier, snorted and tossed his head. He’d lapped up some of the rich coffee broth himself, and felt ready to tear ass out of any rodent or pastrami sandwich that might cross his path. Lazarus, normally the calmer of the two, a golden retriever, pranced and leapt at the Emperor’s side as if it might start raining ducks any minute-a recurring nightmare among retrievers.
    “Steady, gents,” the Emperor chided. “Lets us use this inopportune alertness to inspect a less frantic city than we find in the day, and determine where we might be of