You Suck: A Love Story

Emperor liked Jody, and had been a little disappointed when he found that she was a bloodsucking fiend, but she was a pleasant girl nonetheless, and had always been generous with treats for the men, despite Bummer’s dropping into yapping fits in her presence. “Well then, I suppose that will have to do,” said the Emperor. “It appears that our young writer does require some adult supervision before being set loose on the City.”
    “Hey, I do okay,” Tommy said.
    “You shaved the cat,” said the Emperor, raising a wild eyebrow that looked like a gray squirrel with a
    Mohawk.
    “I-uh, we were testing him out, to see if I should get a cat to keep me company after Jody leaves.” He looked at Jody, who nodded enthusiastically while trying to look wide-eyed and sincere.
    “And…and,” Tommy continued, “I was chewing some bubble gum, you know, the kind that you can blow really big bubbles with-well, long story short, before I knew it, Chet had lunged at one of my bubbles and was completely covered with bubble gum.”
    Jody quit nodding and just stared at him.
    “So you shaved him,” the Emperor added.
    Now it was Tommy’s turn to nod and look sincere. “Regrettably.”
    Jody was nodding again, too. “Regrettably,” she echoed.
    “I see,” said the Emperor. They certainly seemed sincere. “Well, the sweater was considerate.”
    “My idea,” Jody said. “You know so he doesn’t get chilled. It’s actually my sweater. Tommy washed it and put it in the dryer, so it’s a little too small for me.”
    “And don’t think it was easy getting a cat that size into a sweater,” Tommy said. “It was like trying to dress a ball of razor wire. I’m cut to ribbons.” He pushed his sleeves up to expose his forearms, which were distinctly not cut to ribbons. They were, in fact, unmarked, if a little pale.
    “Well, good show, then,” the Emperor said, backing away. “The men and I will be on our way, then.”
    “Do you guys need anything, Your Majesty?” Jody asked.
    “No, no, we have been most fortunate this evening. Most fortunate indeed.”
    “Well, take care, then,” Jody said, even as the Emperor backed around the corner and headed up the street.
    She can be deceptively pleasant for a blood-drinking agent of evil, the Emperor thought.
    Bummer and Lazarus were almost out of sight, four blocks ahead. They had known, the rascals. The Emperor was disgusted with himself, leaving William there like that, at the mercy of the fiends. There was no telling what they might do, the two of them, but he felt fear chilling his spine and he couldn’t make himself turn around. Perhaps they wouldn’t hurt poor William. After all, they had been sweet children in life, both of them. And even in her current state, Jody had shown a certain quality of mercy by waiting until now to turn Tommy. Still, he had a city he was responsible for, and he could not shirk that responsibility.
    It was a long walk to the Marina Safeway, but he had to reach it before the night crew left. As knavish as they might be, they were the only people in his city who actually had experience hunting vampires.
    B ite him,” Tommy said. He was standing over the huge cat guy, who had passed out again under the statue.
    Jody shook her head and shuddered. “He’s filthy. Don’t tell me you can’t smell that.” Since she’d become a vampire, she’d only experienced nausea when she tried to eat real food, but she was nauseated now, despite the hunger grating in her core.
    “Here, I’ll clean off a spot.” Tommy fished a tissue out of his coat pocket, licked it, and cleaned a spot on William’s neck. “There. Go for it.”
    “Yuck.”
    “I bit the cat,” Tommy said. “You said yourself that you were starving.”
    “But he’s hammered.” Jody said. She was taking little steps in place like a little kid who has to pee.
    “Bite him.”
    “Quit saying ‘bite him.’ I don’t think of it like that.”
    “How do you think of it?”
    “I don’t really think of it. It’s sort of an animal thing.”
    “Oh, I see,” Tommy said. “Bite him before some cops come along and take him away and you miss your chance.”
    “Ewww,” Jody said, kneeling beside William. Chet the huge cat looked up at her from William’s lap, then put his head down and closed his eyes. (Blood loss had mellowed him.) Jody pushed William’s head aside and reared back with her mouth open wide as her fangs extended. She closed her eyes and bit.
    “See