You Suck: A Love Story

gives me mint farts. They scare the hell out of Chet.”
    Tommy turned to Jody and shook his head. “Sorry, no way, minty farts.” Then to William again: “Okay then, William. I gotta get back to the little woman. You need anything? Food, blanket, toothbrush, a damp towelette to freshen up?”
    “Nah, I’m good,” William said. He held up a fifth of Johnny Walker Black.
    “How’s Chet doing?”
    “Stressed. We just found out our friend Sammy got murdered in the hotel on Eleventh.” Chet looked up the stairwell with sad kitty eyes, which he sort of always seemed to have since he’d been shaved.
    “Sorry to hear that,” Tommy said.
    “Yeah, on Christmas, too,” William said. “Hooker got killed across the street last night, same way.
    Neck was snapped. Sammy has been sick for a while, so he splurged on a room for the holiday. Fuckers killed him right there in bed. Just goes to show you.”
    Tommy had no idea what it went to show you. “Sad,” Tommy said. “So how come Chet’s stressed but you’re not?”
    “Chet doesn’t drink.”
    “Of course. Well then, Merry Christmas to you guys.”
    “You, too,” said William, toasting with his bottle. “Any chance of a Christmas bonus, now that I’m a full-time employee?”
    “What’d you have in mind?”
    “I’d sure like a gander at Red’s bare knockers.”
    Tommy turned to Jody, who was shaking her head, looking pretty determined.
    “Sorry,” Tommy said. “How about a new sweater for Chet?”
    William scowled. “You just can’t bargain with The Man.” He took a drink from his bottle and turned away from Tommy as if he had something important to discuss with his huge shaved cat and couldn’t be bothered with management.
    “Okay then,” Tommy said. He closed the door and returned to the counter. “I’m The Man,” he said with a big grin.
    “Your mom would be so proud,” Jody said. “We need to go see about Elijah.”
    “Not until you call your mom. Besides, he’s waited this long, it’s not like he’s going anywhere.”
    Jody got up and came around the breakfast bar and took Tommy’s hand. “Sweetie, I need you to play what William just said back in your mind, really slowly.”
    “I know, I’m The Man!”
    “No, the part about his friend being killed by a broken neck, and how he has been sick, and how someone else was killed the night before, also by broken neck. I’ll bet she was sick, too. Sound like a pattern you’ve heard before?”
    “Oh my God,” Tommy said.
    “Uh-huh,” Jody said. She held his hand to her lips and kissed his knuckles. “I’ll get my jacket while you fluff up your little brain for traveling, ’kay?”
    “Oh my God, you’ll do anything to get out of calling your mom.”

21 – Ladies and Gentlemen,
    Presenting the Disappointments
    He was the best one-handed free-throw shooter in the Bay Area, and that Christmas night he had sunk sixty-four in a row in his driveway hoop, shooting the new leather Spaulding ball his dad had left under the tree for him. Sixty-seven in a row, without ever setting down or spilling his beer. His record was seventy-two, and he would have broken it, had he not been dragged off into the bushes to be slaughtered.
    Jeff Murray was not the smartest of the Animals, nor the most well-born, but when it came to squandering potential, he was the hands-down winner. Jeff had been a star power forward through his sophomore, junior, and senior years in high school, and he had been offered a full-boat ride to Cal, Berkeley-there had even been talk of his going pro after a couple of years in college, but Jeff had decided to impress his prom date by showing her he had enough vertical leap to clear a moving car.
    It was a minor misjudgment, and he would have cleared the car had he not drunk most of a case of beer before the attempt, and had the car’s height not been eight inches enhanced by the light bar on the roof.
    The light bar just caught Jeff ’s left sneaker, and somersaulted him four times in the air before he landed upright in a James Brown split on the tarmac. He was pretty sure that his knee wasn’t supposed to bend that way, and a team of doctors would later agree. He’d wear a brace forever and he’d never play competitive basketball again. Although he was a smokin’ one-handed H.O.R.S.E. player, and he might have even been a champion if it weren’t for that slaughtered-in-the-bushes thing.
    He liked the new leather ball, and he knew he shouldn’t be using