Blood Red Road

goin back in? I says. You said Freedom Fields is on th’other side of the hill.
    It is, says Jack. But there’s a tunnel that cuts through from the back of the cave. A short cut. He starts to follow ’em.
    I grab his arm. Hang on, Jack, we ain’t finished here. We need a plan. A proper one. Right now.
    I promised you we’d git Lugh outta there, he says, an I meant it. We will. That’s the main thing, no matter what. You said you trusted me. Do you? Here an now. Do you trust me?
    I stare into his eyes. Searchin fer … somethin. Then. I see it.
    I see him. Suddenly I see him. Not the Jack of the jokes an the flirtin an the shyin away. The real Jack. The … truth of him. The stillness at the heart of him. Like calm water.
    I saw it once before, that first night we lay unner the stars. When I told him about Lugh an he promised me we’d find him. An this is the thing. The truth about Jack’s bin right in front of me all along. I jest wouldn’t let myself believe what I saw. Till now.
    I laugh. Gawd help me, I says, but I do. I trust you, Jack.
    Then let’s go, he says. We turn into the cave. Now I can see there’s a narrow crack at the back. The entrance to the tunnel that leads to th’other side. Jack lights a torch in the dyin fire, then I help him break it up, spreadin the ash so’s it can cool.
    That’s it, he says, turnin to go.
    I touch his arm. Jack, I says. I …
    What?
    I didn’t really thank you fer … takin care of me. Fer fixin me up.
    Don’t mention it.
    He starts to go, an I stop him agin. Jack! Yeah?
    I might not git another chance to say that I … to tell you … how much I appreciate everythin yer doin. Everythin you done. To help git Lugh back an … well, everythin. You didn’t hafta but you did an … I am. Grateful, I mean. I always have bin, it’s jest … I guess I ain’t too good at showin it, is all.
    Don’t keep thankin me, he says. I don’t deserve it. I ain’t some hero.
    He turns an I follow him to the back of the cave. We slip through the narrow crack an pretty much right away it opens into a tunnel that’s high enough to walk upright. My stummick’s all jittery an tight. We ain’t gone more’n a few steps when I says, Jack. Wait.
    He turns around, all impatient. Now what?
    I wanna say somethin to you. I wanna say  …  I dunno  …  more. I could bust apart with all I’m feelin inside of me right now. What with fightin off the hellwurms an gittin my shoulder tore open, an how I felt when I woke up an seen you an, now, here I am, bein so close to findin Lugh an I dunno what’s gonna happen an—
    Jack’s lookin at me, frownin. What’s the matter with you, Saba? he says.
    I grab his face an kiss him on the lips.
    Then I step back.
    We stare at each other. All the air gits sucked outta the tunnel. The heartstone burns into my skin. The blood pounds in my ears.
    Yer timin stinks, he says.
    He drops the torch. He pushes me aginst the wall. Then his mouth is on mine an he’s kissin me like he’s starvin or dyin of thirst or somethin. He kisses my lips, my face, my neck, then back to my lips agin. His lips is smooth. Warm. The smell of him fills me.
    We’re pressed tight together, chest to chest, thigh to thigh. His heart thuds aginst mine. A shiver runs over me from the top of my head to the ends of my toes. I’m hot an cold all at once. The tiny hairs on my arms, on the back of my neck, tingle. My skin’s stretched tight over my bones. A heavy heat settles low in my belly.
    I never thought kissin ’ud feel like this.
    I kiss him back. I run my hands up an down his arms, his shoulders, his back. I feel the strength of him. I press myself closer. I cain’t seem to git close enough.
    Stop, he says aginst my lips.
    I don’t. I don’t want to. I cain’t.
    He grabs both my hands. Saba, he says. Saba. Stop.
    We’re both breathin hard. I’m dizzy. Dazed.
    What? I says. What? Was I doin it wrong?
    No, he says, no, don’t ever think that! That was … oh boy … that was … perfect. It’s jest … this ain’t the time or the place. An you bin through a lot. You ain’t thinkin straight.
    I am, I says. I swear I am.
    No, you ain’t, he says. An I ain’t neether. But I bin wantin to kiss you like that from the first moment I seen you. You got no idea how much.
    I start to say, me too, but he puts a finger aginst my lips.
    Don’t say it, he says. It’ll only make things worse.
    He kisses me one last time. Quick. Hard. Then he