Brother Cadfael 09: Dead Man's Ransom

because the voice from the bed was so urgent and uncomforted.
    'I have killed,' said Eliud clearly. 'God knows I am sorry! I had ridden with him, cared for him, watched him founder and urged his rest... And if ever he came home alive, then Elis was free... to go back to Cristina, to marry...' A great shudder went through him head to foot, and fetched a moan of pain out of him. 'Cristina... I loved her always... from when we were children, but I did not, I did not speak of it, never, never... She was promised to him before ever I knew her, in her cradle. How could I touch, how could I covet what was his?'
    'She also loved,' said Cadfael, nursing him along the way. 'She let you know of it...'
    'I would not hear, I dared not, I had no right... And all the while she was so dear, I could not bear it. And when they came back without Elis, and we thought him lost... Oh, God, can you conceive such trouble as was mine, half, praying for his safe return, half wishing him dead, for all I loved him, so that at last I might speak out without dishonour, and ask for my love... And then, you know it, it was you brought word... and I was sent here, my mouth stopped just when it was so full of words... And all that way I thought, I could not stop thinking, the old man is so sick, so frail, if he dies there'll be none to exchange for Elis... If he dies I can return and Elis must stay... Even a little time and I could still speak... All I needed was a little time, now I was resolved. And that last day when he foundered... I did all I could, I kept him man alive, and all the time, all the time it was clamouring in me, let him die! I did not do it, we brought him still living...'
    He lay still for a minute to draw breath, and Cadfael wiped the corners of the lips that laboured against exhaustion to heave the worst burden from heart and conscience. 'Rest a little. You try yourself too hard.'
    'No, let me end it. Elis... I loved him, but I loved Cristina more. And he would have wed her, and been content, but she... He did not know the burning we knew. He knows it now. I never willed it... it was not planned, what I did. All I did was to remember the lord Einon's cloak and I went, just as I was, to fetch it. I had his saddle, cloth on my arm.' He closed his eyes against what he remembered all too clearly, and tears welled out from under the braised lids and ran down on either cheek. 'He was so still, hardly breathing at all, so like death. And in an hour Elis would have been on his way home and I left behind in his place. So short a step to go! I did the thing I wish to God I had cut off my hands rather than do, I held the saddlecloth over his face. There has not been a waking moment since when I have not wished it undone,' whispered Eliud, 'but to undo is not so easy as to do. As soon as I understood my own evil I snatched my hands away, but he was gone. And I was cowardly afraid and left the cloak lying, for if I'd taken it, it would have been known I'd been there. And that was the quiet hour and no one saw me, going or coming.' Again he waited, gathering strength with a terrible, earnest patience to continue to the end. 'And all for nothing, for nothing! I made myself a murderer for nothing. For Elis came and told me how he loved the lord Gilbert's daughter and willed to be released from his bond with Cristina, as bitterly as she willed it, and I also. And he would go to make himself known to her father... I tried to stop him... I needed someone to go there and find my dead man, and cry it aloud, but not Elis, oh, not Elis! But he would go. And even then they still thought the lord Gilbert alive, only sleeping. So I had to fetch the cloak, if no one else would cry him dead, but not alone... a witness, to make the discovery. I still thought Elis would be held and I should go home. He longed to stay and I to go... This knot some devil tied,' sighed Eliud, 'and only I have deserved it. All they three suffer because of me. And you, brother, I did foully by you..."
    'In choosing me to be your witness?' said Cadfael gently. 'And you had to knock over the stool to make me look closely enough, even then. Your devil still had you by the hand, for if you had chosen another there might never have been the cry of murder that kept you both prisoners.'
    'It was my angel, then, no devil. For I am glad to be rid of all lies and known for what I am. I would never have let it fall on Elis, nor on any other man. But I am human and fearful,' he said