Coda 03 -The Letter Z

eat.”
“Just once, could you not make things as complicated as possible?” “Maybe,” I tell him, “but guess it won’t be today.”
We pick a place to meet, and then find a restaurant that’s servin’
    breakfast. He’s good. He doesn’t mention Zach at all until after we’re done eating. Then he says, “Jared was talking about going to a show today, and Zach will probably go with him.”
    “What about you?”
“If you’re not going, then I don’t have to go either.”
“What we gonna do then?”
“What do you want to do?”
“Any more roller coasters?”
    He grins at me. “The Stratosphere. The roller coaster is kind of lame, but there are a couple of other rides there.”
    “Are they good?”
“You’ll scream like a little girl.”
I almost smile at that. “We’ll see, tough guy.”
    Wish I could say we have fun, but the truth is I’m terrible company the whole day. Can’t stop worryin’ ’bout Zach, and whether or not he’s still mad. I worry ’bout Jonathan and the things he said. I start wonderin’ what’s happened today while I been gone. What if Jonathan came to see Zach? What if Zach realized Jonathan was right? I imagine goin’ back to the motel to find Zach gone, only a note on the bed tellin’ me where he’s gone. I imagine them makin’ up and makin’ out and makin’ love. I imagine goin’ home to Coda alone. Part of me knows I’m bein’ an idiot, but it doesn’t stop my mind from dredgin’ up all the worst possible ways this could end.
    Matt’s like a fuckin’ saint. Even though I’m miserable and snappin’ at him all day, he just keeps bein’ himself, sometimes tryin’ to cheer me up, sometimes just leavin’ me to sulk. Several hours and a few manly screams later, he finally says, “We should go back. They’ll be waiting for us.”
    “I know.”
    We start walkin’, and the closer we get, the less I talk. Every single step we take toward the hotel makes that knot of dread in my stomach heavier. Matt’s lookin’ at me outta the corner of his eye.
    “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” he finally asks. “Yeah.”
“You aren’t even going to tell me what happened last night?” “No.”
    “Okay.” He’s quiet for ’bout half a block, but then he says, “Did you and Zach have a fight?”
    “Guess so.”
“Did you break up?”
“No.”
    Another couple of minutes, and then, “Please tell me you didn’t do anything stupid last night.”
    Obviously I did, but not what he’s thinkin’. “I didn’t.”
“Then what—”
“Told you I don’t wanna talk ’bout it, Matt.”
    “Okay.” We go about another block before he starts talkin’ again. “You want to know something?”

    “No, but I bet you’re gonna tell me anyway.”

    “Jared told me once that he has a compass inside of him, but instead of pointing north, it points west.”
    “No wonder he gets lost so easy.”
“Zach has a compass inside of him too. You know where it points?” “Toward Thai food?”
“It points at you.”
“That supposed to mean somethin’?”
    “Yeah,” he says, smackin’ me on the back of the head. It hurts, but I’m not gonna let him know that. He just grins at me. “When you pull your head out of your ass, it will.”
I’ M A little nervous walkin’ back into our room. It’s still light outside, but
    the curtains are closed and the room is pretty dark. Zach’s sittin’ on the edge of the bed starin’ at the TV, but I know him. I can tell he’s not really seein’ it.
    He doesn’t acknowledge me, and I don’t say anything either. I take off my coat, and my boots. I sit on my bed and look down at the floor, like maybe somebody left some cue cards down there for me to go by. No such luck. Zach’s watchin’ me outta the corner of his eyes, ’bout the way a mouse watches a cat. He’s waitin’ to see if I’ll pounce on him or just scamper away.
    We’ve had fights before, but always Zach’s the one who makes it right. He’ll come over to where I’m sittin’, and get down on his knees in front of me. He’ll put his head in my lap and tell me how much he loves me. And that’s usually the end of it. But this time, it’s pretty fuckin’ obvious he has no intention of makin’ the first move. It’s gotta be me.
    I take a deep breath and go stand in front of him. He looks up at me, wary, ready for another fight.
    I got no fuckin’ clue what to say. My instinct is to attack: to blame him for bringin’ us to