Coda 03 -The Letter Z

Vegas or for makin’ that stupid dinner date with Jonathan. I could say it’s his fault for kissin’ his ex, or for not arguin’ when Jonathan called me an easy lay. I could say so many things to hurt him or to piss him off. Those are the things I know how to do.
    I don’t know how to make amends.
    I just want to touch him. I want to know he won’t push me away. I make myself reach out, and I put my fingers in his hair, my palm against his cheek. He tenses up. His jaw clenches, and his eyes close, like he can’t stand to have my hands on him. And it hurts more than I can say. It makes my chest so tight, I’m not sure I can even breathe.
    “Zach?” I barely manage to make myself heard. I barely manage to keep my voice from cracking. I can’t stop it from shaking. I want to get down on my knees and put my head in his lap, the way he does to me. But I know if I do, I won’t be able to stop myself from burstin’ into tears and cryin’ like a little kid. “Zach, tell me what to do. ’Cause I have no idea how to make things right.”
    For a second, I don’t think he’s gonna answer. He just sits there with his eyes shut tight and doesn’t move. Then he sort of sighs, and some of the tension goes out of him. My hand is still against his cheek, and he puts his hand on top of it. He turns toward it and kisses my fingers.
    “That’s twice now,” he says quietly. His lips are against the palm of my hand. He’s not lookin’ at me. “Twice you’ve implied that the only thing you have to give me is sex.” The first time was months ago, at home, the day I finally broke down and called my mom. The day I told him I loved him. I knew it had bothered him then, too, but not like this time. “You’re breaking my heart, Angelo. Don’t you know how much you mean to me? Don’t you know how much I love you? Because if you don’t….” He trails off, but he finally looks up at me, and I see in his eyes he’s as upset as I am. “I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to make you believe.”
    Right now, I don’t care if I believe. I only care that we go back to how we were. I want to wake up in the dark of night and move into his bed. I want to make love in the mornin’ like we always do. I want to know that tomorrow he’ll want me to touch him again. “I can’t stand to have you mad at me,” I whisper.
    “I can’t stand to be mad at you.” He stands up now, and steps up close to me. But he doesn’t touch me. “Promise me you won’t ever say it again.”
    I still think I’m right. I don’t know if he’s foolin’ himself or just lyin’ to me to make me feel better. But I don’t care. He doesn’t want me to say it out loud again, so I won’t. “I promise,” I say.
    “Good.” And then he pulls me tight against him and kisses me. And I know it hasn’t been that long—only since yesterday—but it feels like it’s been ages since he kissed me like this.
    He pulls me over to the bed, his arms ’round me. One of his hands goes under my shirt and slides up my back. I start to unbutton his pants, but he stops me. “No sex, Ang. I just want to touch you.”
    I know he’s tryin’ to make a point with the “no sex” thing, but I don’t mind. We undress each other. He kisses my eyes and my cheeks. His hands never go below my waist, but they caress my stomach and my back and my arms. They’re so soft, and he’s so gentle. I guess it’s been a while since I realized just how good it feels to have him touch me. And then he pulls me down on to the bed with him. I put my head on his chest and try to swallow the lump in my throat.
    His hand slides up my back, stops on the back of my neck. His voice is low and coaxing, like he’s tryin’ to keep from scarin’ me away. “Talk to me, Angelo. I can’t make it better if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
    I know exactly what I want to say. I always have a hard time with the words, but this time, I make myself say them. I take a deep breath and force them up out of my chest, make them take form. “I love you so much, Zach.” It comes out pretty quiet, but I know by how still he is that he hears me. And then I say somethin’ else. Somethin’ I hadn’t planned on. “Please don’t leave me.”
    There’s a moment then—just a heartbeat—while he absorbs it all. And then his arms are ’round me, squeezing me so tight I almost can’t breathe. I can’t keep the tears out of my eyes. I hate how I always seem to be cryin’