Coda 03 -The Letter Z

surprise, he looks sheepishly at the floor. A second later, his eyes come up and meet mine, and what I see there isn’t judgment or disdain. It’s shame. “I want you to know how sorry I am about—” he stumbles for a moment, then says, quieter, “about what I said.”
    “’Bout sayin’ I’m only good for baggin’ groceries or callin’ me an easy lay?” I ask, and he winces. I’m glad. I got no desire to make this easy for him.
    “Both,” he says quietly, “but especially the second one. It was a terrible thing to say, and I hope you can forgive me. It was jealousy speaking. I know that’s a terribly lousy excuse, but the truth is, it’s the only one I have.” I actually feel a little off balance now. Last thing I was expectin’ was an apology. I kinda want to still be pissed at him, but it’s harder now. “Really,” he says, his voice real quiet, “I’m not usually….”
    He lets his sentence trail away, and I say, “You’re not usually a ragin’ asshole?”

    He smiles at me, just a little. “I like to think I’m not.”

    And as much as I hate to admit it, I know it’s probably the truth. ’Cause Zach wouldn’t have been with him for so long if he was. “Can’t exactly say I’m happy you saved up all your dickhead moments for me,” I say.

    He smiles a little more, still lookin’ sheepish. “I’m not happy about it either. And I truly am sorry,” he says again.
    “Yeah, okay.” Not used to havin’ people apologize to me, and I’m not sure what to do. “Forget about it.” I’m thinkin’ that’s my cue to leave, but he stops me.
    “Can I buy you a drink?” he asks.
I can’t help but be suspicious and I ask, “Why?”
He shrugs. “I’d just like to talk to you for a bit.”
It’s fuckin’ weird, but what’ve I got to lose?
    We sit at the bar next to each other, and he orders a glass of wine for himself and a beer for me. He’s the kinda guy who pays attention to details. He orders the same kind of beer I had the night before, without havin’ to ask. For a minute we just sit there, and I’m wonderin’ what the fuck I’m doin’ there. Then suddenly he says, “I never meant to let him go, you know.”
    “The way I heard it, you’re the one who left.”
    “You heard right,” he says with a sigh. “I thought I would be back. That’s why I left Geisha behind. I knew she didn’t like him. I didn’t think I was leaving for good.” He’s not lookin’ at me. He’s messin’ with the cocktail napkin under his wine glass, foldin’ it up over the bottom of the glass, round and round ’til it’s all wrapped around the base of the glass, then smoothin’ it out and doin’ it again. “I was just trying to make him wake up. I wanted him to get his shit together, you know? Quit drinking so much and getting high every night and sleeping around. I wanted him to grow up and quit drifting.” He stops and drinks some of his wine. He’s still not lookin’ at me, and after a bit he starts talkin’ again, quieter now. “I thought he would call. I thought he would realize we were worth fighting for. I waited and waited, and by the time I realized he wasn’t going to call, it was too late.” Not sure what to say to that, but it seems like maybe he doesn’t expect me to say anything. Like maybe he just needs somebody to hear it. And for some reason, that somebody is me.
    “Why didn’t you call him?” I finally ask. “I think he woulda been glad to have you back.”
    He shrugs a little. “Because I didn’t want to go back if he hadn’t changed. And I was afraid if I called I’d only find out that he was happier without me. It seems so stupid now, but….” He lets that sentence trail away. “All that time we were together, it just seemed like he never knew what to do with his life. Like he never had a direction. He never had a purpose. Even in bed, he didn’t know what he wanted.”
    He stops short, and I know he wishes he hadn’t said that last part.
    “The only thing Zach ever wants in bed is to please the guy he’s there with,” I say. He looks a little surprised at that. He’s still not lookin’ at me, but I can see that he’s thinkin’ ’bout that. “You think he didn’t know what he wanted? What that really means is, he couldn’t figure out what you wanted.”
    He’s quiet for a minute, lost in thought. Then he says, “I guess, when I saw him again, I thought, ‘Here’s the Zach I was waiting for’, you know? I could tell