Coda Books 04 - Strawberries for Dessert (MM)

close. I buried my nose in his damp hair, breathed in that scent I loved so much. I wished I could say something to him, but my client was still talking.
    He let me hold him for a moment, but then pushed me away. It was playful but firm, and I reluctantly let him go. He climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. By the time I managed to get off of the phone, he was sound asleep on his own side of the bed.
    When we had first started seeing each other, I had been relieved at the fact that post-coital cuddling was not part of our arrangement.
    But more and more lately, I found myself wanting to bridge that gap— to reach across that expanse of crisp, clean sheets between us. I never did, though. I was sure that, as in all other things, he would push me away. Tonight, more than ever, I wished that I could hold him as I fell asleep.
    He was still sleeping when I got up and went to the fitness room for my morning jog. He was in the kitchen when I got back. I took a quick shower and got dressed before finding him.
    “I knew you had to leave early,” he said, “so I didn’t make breakfast.”
    “That’s fine.” I was watching him, trying to find some clue as to what had happened last night. I stepped closer to him. “Cole, about what happened—”
    “It’s fine, honey, really,” he said, and he sounded completely sincere. Looking into his eyes, I saw nothing but his usual mocking nature.
    “I won’t do it again,” I told him. “I prom—” But he stepped forward suddenly and put his fingers against my lips.
    “Don’t,” he said. “That’s not a promise I want you to make.”
    “Are you sure?”
    He smiled up at me. “I enjoyed myself immensely, I assure you.”
    I breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay.”
    “Go,” he said. He hesitated for a second, and then he stood on his toes and kissed me. “I’ll see you tonight.”
    It was the first time he had ever kissed me goodbye.

Date: February 20
    From: Cole
    To: Jared
    I know that you are terribly upset with me, and I don’t blame you. I’ve been ignoring you and refusing to answer your questions. The truth is, I couldn’t decide what to tell you. I didn’t want to lie to you, Sweets.
    We’ve known each other too long, and you deserve better than that. But I didn’t want to tell you the truth either, because that would mean facing it myself. And I just wasn’t ready to do that.
    Am I ready now? No, not really, but it must be done. I’m most of the way through a bottle of wine, and right or wrong, I must admit that it helps. It also helps that you’re hundreds of miles away. If I had to face you when I said these things, I wouldn’t be able to do it. If I had to look in your eyes right now, I would smile and tell you that you’re mistaken.
    I would tell you that Jonathan and I are casual lovers. I would tell you that he’s only an uptight accountant who’s good in bed, but nothing more. I would tell you that he means no more to me than any of the other men I share my bed with when I feel so inclined.
    But the truth? The truth is, Sweets, somewhere along the line, it all went wrong. I started wanting to see him more. I started enjoying our time together out of bed as much as in. I let my guard down.
    Somewhere, somehow, I let myself start to love him.
    I should never have let things go this far. I have learned the hard way that my lifestyle is not conducive to long-term relationships. I cannot stay in one place, Sweets. I just can’t, no matter how much I may want to. And the minute I give in and leave town again, it will be the beginning of the end. I know that.
    As for Jonathan, he does not love me. He finds me entertaining, and possibly amusing, but not much more. The truth is, I’m glad. Because it’s one thing for me to lie to myself. It’s another thing altogether for me to lie to him.
    In a few weeks, I’ll be leaving. I should have left already. I’ll fly to Paris and I’ll stay there until I’m no longer dying to see him again, and he’ll find a new lover and the universe will make sense once again. But for now, I’ll allow myself a little more time with him, because the truth is, Sweets, he makes me happy in a way that nobody else has in a very long time. But I know it cannot last. Soon, I will let him go. He does not love me, and I hope he never will.

    SOMETHING changed between us after that, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. When we were in bed together, everything felt different. There was a