Covet Thy Neighbor

I’ve been guarding myself from religious people for so long after what happened with my parents and this just came out of nowhere.”
    “This being what happened with your neighbor?” Jason arched an eyebrow. “Or this being you finding someone you can see yourself with, and then pushing him away because you’re scared? And I don’t mean scared of what he believes, but of what he is .”
    “Meaning?”
    “Meaning I’ve known you for a long time, and I’ve seen you shy away from one guy after another for all kinds of reasons when the real reason was totally transparent, but I never said anything because I’ve never seen you get this hung up on a guy before.”
    I shifted my weight, my sneaker scuffing on the concrete. “Is that right?”
    Jason nodded. “The only reason I’m saying something now is that just listening to you, I can tell you think just like I do that you’re fucking up something you shouldn’t.”
    I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear the answer, but I asked anyway: “So what’s the real reason, then?”
    He didn’t reply immediately, and I thought he might be waiting for me to put the pieces together myself. Finally, he said, “I know you have legitimate reasons to be wary of people of the religious persuasion. I’m not discounting that here. But what happens if you take religion completely out of the picture?”
    Eyeing Jason, I said, “It’s kind of a moot point because his religion is a rather huge part of his life, don’t you think?”
    “So if he walked up here right now and told you he’d renounced his beliefs, become a card-carrying atheist, and never wanted to set foot in a church again as long as he lived, you’d jump into a relationship with him without thinking twice? No fear?”
    I swallowed.
    “That’s what I thought. And really, wouldn’t someone with polar opposite beliefs be the perfect match for you?” He grinned. “You’d always have something to talk about.”
    Somehow, I managed to laugh. “Okay, I can’t argue with that.”
    “Exactly.” He paused for a long moment. “The thing is, I don’t think it’s his beliefs that are really bothering you. I mean, regardless of why, your family hurt you. You’ve had one solid relationship since then, with a guy who also worked you over—which had nothing to do with religion—and that was four years ago. No guy has been able to get near you since then.”
    I stared out at the dark shadows of the distant mountains. My neck prickled and blood pounded in my ears as the uncomfortable truth set in.
    “Face it,” he said softly. “You’re terrified of getting hurt. It’s not the fact that this guy might have something in common with your parents that’s scaring you. That’s just a convenient excuse to hide behind so you don’t have to face the truth.”
    “Which is?”
    “That if this guy walked away from you, for any reason, it might hurt as bad as when your family turned you away.” He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. “You’re not afraid of Christians, Seth. You’re afraid of being loved.”
    The words hit me in the gut. I closed my eyes. I wanted to get defensive and tell him he was full of shit, that he had no idea what he was talking about, but I couldn’t.
    “I know this isn’t easy for you.” Jason squeezed my shoulder again. “But I think letting this guy go is a huge mistake. You need to make things right with him. Even if things don’t work out in the long run, I get the feeling this isn’t how you think it should end.”
    I sighed. “At this point, though, I’m not even sure what I can do. I told him where I was coming from—where I thought I was coming from—and it . . . it didn’t go well.”
    “Letting it fester isn’t going to fix it.”
    “Do you think anything will?”
    “Well, I think your best bet is to quit being a stubborn idiot, and go talk to him.”
    I said nothing.
    “Maybe you guys can make it work,” Jason said, his tone gentler now. “Maybe you can’t. But I know you: you’re the kind of guy who will move on if things don’t work out, but if you walk away without even giving it a go, you will regret it until the day you die.”
    I couldn’t look at him. He was right, of course.
    “I think I hurt him pretty badly, though.”
    “Just talk to him. Hopefully he’ll listen.”
    Yeah. Hopefully.
    But I couldn’t bring myself to bank on it.

Tonight. We were going to discuss this tonight. My conversation with Jason had been banging