Days of Love and Blood

okay. Stay. Cooper and I can go into the office.” I turned around without motioning to Cooper but his steps sounded after mine. Once we were inside the office I shut the door. He leaned up against the wall and put his hands in his pockets. I wasn’t going to say anything so I quickly sat down, folded my legs and waited. I told myself to be calm - don’t speak - don’t react. If I did, a verbal landslide might be unstoppable once begun and I would attack.
    “I didn’t mean none what I said.”
    I replied with silence.
    “I was mad. I’m still mad. I’m fuckin’ pissed off. But I didn’t mean to say that. Not to you. It jus’ flew outta my mouth. I was angry that you wouldn’t take my side none. I couldn’t believe it, actually.”
    “So, we disagree. Let’s just leave it at that.” I wasn’t going to let him know that he hurt me.
    “I shouldn’t have said what I said. I don’t really think that. I don’t at all. I have no fuckin’ clue what made me say something that stupid.”
    “You were mad,” I said flatly.
    “I didn’t mean it.”
    “ It’s fine, Cooper.”
    “It’s fine?”
    “Yes. It’s fine. I’m fine. I think we just - I made a mistake. I never meant to make you feel like I manipulate you. I’ve never tried to.”
    “I know. But this here isn’t a mistake. I mean us. We’re not a mistake.”
    “But you must feel that way at least a little if you said something like that in front of everyone.”
    “I don’t. Not at all. I was jus’ angry. I say stupid shit all of the time when I’m pissed. Stuff that doesn’t make no sense. It’s like the way I protect myself. I just unleash on people, especially the ones I care ‘bout. You know this ‘bout me.”
    “You can’t take it back, Cooper. ”
    “Would ya stop talkin’ like that?”
    “Like what?”
    “Like that! The way you’re talkin’ to me right now, like we’re at a fuckin’ business meeting or something. It’s your tone.”
    “I’m sorry, Cooper. You say things to protect yourself, just as you said. So do I.”
    “You’re holdin’ back.”
    “I am.”
    “You’re angry.”
    I didn’t respond but dropped my head and shook it.
    “Yes, you are.”
    It wasn’t anger. It was hurt. His own emotions were so tightly wrapped up around anger that he couldn’t even process my pain. Maybe both emotions were the same to him. He stepped over to me and sunk to his knees. I felt his finger underneath my chin, pulling gently upwards.
    “I’m an asshole.”
    “Cooper, please. You humiliated me - you hurt me and you did it on purpose! I don’t want to feel this way.” I looked into his green eyes and saw the pain reflected when he flinched his eyebrows. His eyes were desperate and began to fill. My heart leapt but I kept my straight, unemotional face.
    “What can I do?”
    “Nothing. Just leave.”
    “I’ll apologize to everyone and tell them I fucked up. That I didn’t mean none o’ what I said.”
    “ I don’t care about what they think.” I raised my eyes to the ceiling and scoffed. “Jesus Christ, you hated me an hour ago.”
    “ As soon as I said that back there I fuckin’ regretted it. I’m not really like that, Carson. I’m not. I get angry now. Real angry and I have a hard time controllin’ it. I thought about those two men and the way they leered at you. I knew what they wanted and it drove me crazy. It’s still drivin’ me crazy. When you didn’t agree with me about going after them, I lost it. You have Ronan to protect so I couldn’t understand why ya wouldn’t let me do what I needed to do. Please understand. At least try. I wasn’t angry at you. I’m scared to lose you and I’m scared for Ronan. I only want to be able to protect you and you’re not lettin’ me. They’re not lettin’ me. That’s why I’m so angry. It’s only because I can’t do nothing about it - I feel powerless.”
    “I don’t want to walk on eggshells around you, Cooper.”
    “You don’t have to.”
    “And I don’t want to feel like this again. I don’t need it. I don’t want it.”
    “Are you trying to say something?” he asked with a perceptible growl to his voice. The sound of a car pulling into the driveway perked his attention and he stood to look out the window. “Is this what you’re fuckin’ tryin’ to tell me?” he yelled. “Ben?”
    “Oh my God, no. No, Cooper.”
    “Why the hell is he here?”
    “Because the girls are here.”
    “What?” He flung an incredulous