Faster We Burn
fighting with her all week hadn’t been easy.
“This is not art. This is graffiti. This is going to take forever to wash off, Katie.” She put her hand to her forehead, like I was giving her a migraine. If I hadn’t already, what I was about to say definitely would set her off.
“I don’t want to wash it off.” I moved to stand in front of the wall, as if I was protecting it. In a way, I guess I was.
“Katie, be serious. You’re not five years old anymore. I will not have this crap all over my walls.”
“Well, it’s not crap, and it’s on my wall. If you don’t like it, don’t look at it.”
Mom’s glare got narrower and meaner and she put her hands on her hips.
“Katherine Ann, you are acting like a child.”
I most certainly was, but it was my go-to defense mechanism when I fought with my mother.
We faced each other, at an impasse.
“I don’t know who you are anymore.” Her voice was more frustrated than mad.
I started laughing, thinking about what Stryker had said.
“Yeah, me neither.” Once the giggling started, it was hard to stop. Now Mom looked worried.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just great.” I gave her a thumbs up as I tried to stop laughing. She backed away from me and picked up the duster she’d been using as an excuse to come into my room.
“Well, when you get yourself together, I want that cleaned off before you go back to school. Don’t make me ask you again.” She closed the door with authority and I leaned back against the wall.
The laughter slowed and I caught my breath. Turning my head, I saw the word “Love” and traced it with my finger.
I should have used paint instead of marker.
Chapter Fifteen
Stryker
“Stryker?” Ric’s voice, not Katie’s said to me through the closed bathroom door. I’d gotten into the shower without even taking my jeans off. The urge to wash myself off was so powerful after…after everything with Ric that I couldn’t be bothered to get them off.
I didn’t answer her, and I didn’t hear her footsteps so I knew she was still waiting.
Not Katie. Not Katie. Not Katie .
“Are you okay?”
Fuck no.
I braced my hand on the wall of a shower, feeling how solid it was. I needed something to hold me up, brace my shaking body. The hot water coursed down my back, pattering on the floor of the shower. Each little splash said something to me, blurring together until I couldn’t tell them apart.
NotKatienotKatienotKatienotKatie .
“Look, I’m sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been in love with you for so long and I took my chance.” Ric wasn’t in love with me. Not really. She’d just told herself she loved me so many times that she’d started believing it.
“Go away, Ric.”
“Stryker, I —”
“Just…leave.” I spat the words out through my clenched jaw.
I was being a dick to her, but that was what I did. I was a dick. I pushed people away. It was so much easier than caring.
“Well, um, thanks for…thanks.” Her footsteps retreated and a few moments later my door closed.
I stood in the shower until the hot water turned cold, but I didn’t move. It was like, if I moved, the reality of what I’d done would see me out of the corner of its eye and come rip my throat out. Part of me wished it would so I would stop thinking about it.
When my shivers became too much, I shut off the shower and finally took my pants off and grabbed a towel. I rubbed myself dry, wishing I actually felt clean. My fingers had pruned up from being in the shower so long. Avoiding the couch because it still smelled like sex, I grabbed the bottle of scotch and headed to my bedroom.
I pulled on a pair of boxers, realizing only after I got them on that they were the ones Katie had worn just a few days before. I’d only washed them when her scent had faded, but somehow, I could still almost smell her.
I took another hit off the scotch bottle and lay back on my bed. The apartment was too quiet, but if I put on any music, I would think of her, so I didn’t.
I’d literally tried to fuck my sorrows away, and now it was time to try to drink them away instead. It was no use, because they’d find me eventually, but maybe I could avoid them for a few more hours.
Maybe.
I lit a cigarette, even though I never smoked inside. The glow of it and the haze of the smoke were comforting.
Not. Katie. Not. Katie. Not. Katie .
Katie
I had no doubt in my mind that the second I left the house, my mother
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