Ghost Time

nowhere , I said, so annoyed, and he tilted his head, raising a brow, saying, I must disagree, because you can most certainly run into nowhere, and I said, Oh, whatever. He goes, Fine, but all I’m saying is that you weren’t following instructions, Thee—. I go, I was trying to follow instructions, Cam, but I have to learn , and I can’t learn if you’re yelling at me, and he goes, I wasn’t yelling. I said, Yes, you were. And if I had known you’d get so snippy, I would have told you not to bother trying to teach me how to drive, and Cam goes, Thee, don’t give me that, you know I’m a good teacher—in fact, I’m an excellent teacher. I said, When it’s geometry, maybe. And please, I didn’t hurt your stupid car, okay? I knew I shouldn’t have said that, that it was mean of me to call his car stupid, and then, when he didn’t even look at me, he just stared straight ahead and he goes, Yeah, well, I bet my car could pass geometry.
    My mouth fell open, because I was just like, you are such an asshole for saying that! I couldn’t even believe he made that dig, you know? So I go, You know what, Cam? Here, I said, taking out the keys and tossing them across the seat. Then, opening my door, he goes, Come on, Thee, what are you doing? I said,My lesson’s over—feel free to teach your car geometry, and I got out and started walking away. It’s at least five miles back to my house, but I was like, screw it, I’d rather walk than talk to him, so I started walking.
    Cam waited, and I could totally feel him watching me, trying to figure out what just happened, and then, a minute later, he rolled down the window and yelled after me, telling me to come back, and he even said please, but I kept walking. I heard him start the car, then he drove over and pulled up, driving alongside me. He leaned out the window and he goes, Can I give you a ride? I said, No, thanks, not even looking at him.
    He was leaning out his window, and he goes, So you’re going to walk the whole way home? I go, That’s right, and then he pulled up beside me, driving with one hand, leaning out the window: Can I walk with you? he said, and I said, No. And he said, Why not? And by that point, I could tell he thought he was being suave. I go, Because I want you to leave me alone, and he goes, Why, because I got impatient with you for grinding my poor—. I go, Cam, I told you I don’t know how to drive a stick and you said you’d be patient and you weren’t patient at all. First you tell me I have to try things I’m afraid of, but then, when I try—. Okay, okay, he goes, no need for yelling, is there? I stopped and I just looked at him: Go away, I said turning, trying to walk in a different direction.
    No, he said, turning the car and circling around, following behind me. It was getting so dark it was almost time to turn the headlights on. I walked all the way to the highway, before I turned around: Quit following me! I said, and Cam goes, Okay.But I want you to know I accept your apology. I go, That’s funny, because I didn’t apologize, and he goes, Yes, you did. Remember when you said, Cam, I love you so much and I’m sorry for being bitchy and making a big drama out of nothing, please forgive me?
    And then, it snapped, and I stopped, cold. The drama, I mean. Why was I throwing such a fit? Why that moment and not the moment before, I don’t know. Just that my feelings get ahead of me sometimes, and I don’t even realize what I’m doing. Or why.
    So when he stopped the car, I walked around, behind the car, but when I got in, I just stared ahead, because that’s as far as I could go. I waited for him to start the car, but he didn’t. He just looked at me, waiting. I don’t know why, but then and there, it finally clicked in my head. He was right: throwing tantrums, creating this whole huge drama, for what? I didn’t even understand why, but I finally got it, that there’s no need. I felt so stupid, too, dumber than his car, and that made me smile. Cam goes, What are you laughing at? I just shrugged, and I go, Can we go back to the parking lot? And he goes, You want to learn to drive in the dark? I looked over, and I gave him this smile and I said, That’s not what I want to go back for.

SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 2011
    (TWELVE DAYS LATER)
    3:46 PM
    Saturday, I didn’t want to go out, because I didn’t want to run into anybody, and Mom went to the grocery store, and I just didn’t know what to do with myself. It’s like