If I Tell

head.
    “You sure, honey? I heard you’re having trouble with Lacey, and I’m not sure what’s going on with you and Jackson.”
    “I’m sorry. I just have to quit,” I told Amber and struggled not to cry.
    Amber muttered under her breath. “Tell you what,” she said finally. “You’re a great employee.” She narrowed her eyes. “Well, outside of your last couple of shifts. I’ll keep this resignation letter on file, and I’ll take you off the schedule. But if you ever want to come back to work, I’ll consider this a leave of absence.”
    I nodded, working hard to keep back tears. “Thanks, Amber. I’m really sorry about my leaving you like this.” I swiveled and raced from the office.
    ***
    I avoided Jackson. The avoiding part was simple. I didn’t work at Grinds anymore, and I talked to my principal and teachers, explaining about my mom having a preemie baby and needing me. I got all my English homework emailed to me. Years of being a good student paid off, because they excused me from classes without batting an eye.
    I stayed away from Ashley too. Whatever questions she might have, I didn’t have answers.
    Instead, excuses rolled off my lips when she called. My mom needed my help, I told her. I didn’t even flinch as I spit out the lies. I skipped classes, and no one said a word about it. Everyone at school believed I was a responsible young lady, helping out my mom.
    I went to see Mom a couple of times after she brought the baby home, but she was jittery and nervous, and being around her made me feel worse. She worried that she wasn’t sleeping. She complained about being stressed about breast-feeding. I felt sorry for her but I didn’t know how to help. I didn’t know what to say.
    She wasn’t herself, and neither was I, and I didn’t know how to reach her. Grandma told me Mom’s behavior was normal and that she’d get over it. Baby blues, she called it. I couldn’t imagine how Mom had coped with being my age and going through that with me. Of course, back then she’d handed me over to Grandpa and Grandma. And as much as I liked the little baby Mom still hadn’t named, he was stirring up feelings in me. I was having a hard enough time dealing with my own life, so I avoided theirs too.
    What flattened me the most was Jackson. Finding out he had a girlfriend had crushed me. I’d had it bad for him, way worse than I’d even thought. The girlfriend thing crushed me. Hollowed out my heart.
    But there was no excuse for the things I’d said to him. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. To punish myself, I wouldn’t allow myself music. I stared at the walls and dwelled on Jackson and Carrie. I imagined Jackson kissing her, not running away. Playing her songs on Marty. Badly, but still. I deserved to hurt after the ugly things that had spewed from my lips. I’d been aiming to wound him, but I’d hit at an amazingly low level.
    It embarrassed me, but at the same time I missed him so much that I felt numb. I missed his stupid singing at work. I missed his dumb jokes.
    I wasn’t hungry, and nothing interested me. I pretended to be sick, but after a few days of me missing school, Grandma stopped buying my story about a flu bug and insisted I go back.
    When I got to school, I headed down the hallway toward the library to study for a missed English test. Someone tapped my shoulder, and I turned.
    Ashley glared at me. I pulled earbuds from my ears. Even though I didn’t have music playing, the earbuds gave me an excuse to ignore everyone around me. Like a celebrity using a cell phone to hide from paparazzi.
    “Hey, you scared me.” I smiled at her hair. The ends were black. I realized how much I’d missed her in my self-induced exile. “Nice tips.”
    She didn’t smile back. “Where have you been? I haven’t talked to you or seen you in days. I’ve been texting you, and you haven’t answered.”
    Students rushed past us, bumping into us as they headed for classes and lockers. Ashley pushed my shoulder and moved us off to the side of the herd.
    I glanced longingly at the center of the chaos, wishing I could dart back inside the moving stream of bodies and away from a heart-to-heart chat.
    “My mom brought her baby home,” I told Ashley instead of admitting I’d ignored her messages. “He got out of the hospital early.”
    “I know that. I heard, and that’s great.” She scowled. “But where have you been?”
    I shrugged. “I’ve been helping her out.” Another lie.