Life and Death are Wearing Me Out

“Let’s see what you’re made of. Stay where you are, Jiefang. Keep your eyes and ears open.”
    “Fine with me,” Jinlong said. “Do you think I won’t hang you from the apricot tree?”
    “Oh, you’ll do it, all right, you’ll do anything.”
    “Don’t interrupt me. I’m only letting you off for the sake of Mother. I’m not going to beg you to join the commune, since the Communist Party has never begged anything from capitalist-roaders. Tomorrow we’ll hold a public meeting to welcome Jiefang into the commune, along with his land, his plow, and his seeder. The ox too. We’ll present him with a red flower, and do the same for the ox. At that moment, you’ll be all alone in this ox shed. It will be heartbreaking for you when the clash of cymbals, the pounding of drums, and the resounding cracks of firecrackers enter this empty shed. You’ll be cut off from the masses, living apart from your wife, and separated from your children, and even the ox that would not betray you will be forcibly taken from you. What will your life mean then? If I were you,” Jinlong said as he kicked the rope and looked up at the overhead beam, “if I were you, I’d loop that rope over the beam and hang myself!”
    He turned and walked out.
    “Evil bastard—” Dad jumped up and cursed Jinlong’s back before dejectedly hunkering down on the straw.
    I was devastated, shocked by Jinlong’s behavior. I felt so sorry for Dad at that moment, and ashamed of wanting to abandon him. I’d been helping the enemy in his evil ways. I threw myself down at Dad’s feet, grabbed his hands, and said through my tears:
    “I won’t join, Dad. I’m going to stay with you and be an independent farmer even if it means I have to live the rest of my life as a bachelor—”
    He wrapped his arms around my head and sobbed for a moment. Then he pushed me away, dried his eyes, and straightened up. “You’re a man already, Jiefang, so you must stand by what you say. Go ahead, join the commune, take the plow and the seeder with you. As for the ox—” He looked over at the ox; the ox returned the look. “You can take it too!”
    “Dad!” I shouted in alarm. “Are you really going to take the road he points out?”
    “Don’t worry, son,” he said as he jumped to his feet. “I don’t take roads anybody points out for me. I take my own road.”
    “Don’t you dare hang yourself, Dad!”
    “Why would I do that? Jinlong still has a bit of conscience left. He’d have no problem getting people to kill me the same way the people in Pingnan County killed their independent farmer. But his heart isn’t in it. He’s hoping I’ll die on my own. If I do, the last black spot in the county, in the province, in all of China, will erase itself. But I’m not about to die. If they want to kill me, there’s nothing I can do about it, but it’s wishful thinking to expect me to die on my own. I’m going to live, and live well. China’s going to have to get used to this black spot!”

20

Lan Jiefang Betrays Father and Joins the Commune
Ximen Ox Kills a Man and Dies a Righteous Death
    I took my one-point-six acres of land, a wooden plow, a seeder, and the ox into the commune. When I led you out of the shed, firecrackers exploded, cymbals and drums filled the air with their noise. A group of half-grown kids wearing gray imitation army caps ran in amid the smoke and confetti to grab up all the firecrackers with their fuses intact. Mo Yan mistakenly picked up one without a fuse and, bang, his lips parted as it tore a hole in his hand. Serves you right! A firecracker nearly blew off my finger as a kid, and the memory of Dad treating it with paste flashed in my mind. I turned and looked back at Dad, and it was almost more than I could bear. He was sitting on a pile of cut straw, staring at the coiled rope in front of him.
    “Dad,” I called out anxiously “Don’t you dare think of. . .”
    He looked over and, appearing disheartened, waved a couple of times. I walked into the sun and left Dad in the dark. Huzhu pinned a big red paper flower on my chest and smiled at me. I could smell the Sunflower brand lotion on her face. Hezuo hung a paper flower the same size on the ox’s deformed horn. The ox shook his head and sent the flower to the ground.
    “The ox tried to gore me!” Hezuo shrieked, exaggerating the movement.
    She turned and bolted into the arms of my brother, who pushed her away with an icy look and walked up to the ox. He patted