Light in the Shadows

wasn’t so sure she wasn’t right.
                    “Maggie,” I tried again.  She stared straight ahead, not even glancing my way.
                    “I’ve always wanted to go to Savannah.  I’ve heard it’s beautiful.  We could take a week and just drive.”  She sounded almost desperate and I knew I had to put a stop to it.
                    “Maggie, stop talking for a minute and please listen to me,” I pleaded and she instantly shut her mouth and lowered her eyes. 
                  “Okay, sorry,” Maggie murmured.  I cupped her cheeks between my palms and lifted her face to mine.  I kissed her slowly and thoroughly.  I needed to taste her and savor her before dropping my news in her unsuspecting lap.
                    “I want to do all of those things with you.  I really do.  There is nothing I want more than to explore this world with you.  But it can’t happen.  At least not for a while.  I can’t make you any specific promises about my future because right now things have to be put on hold.  For me at least.  For us,” I said slowly, watching as comprehension dawned on her face.
                  She turned to look at me apprehensively.  “What are you trying to say?” she asked, her voice trembling and I hated to do this to her.  Not after everything she had already been through because of me.  But I honestly felt this was for the best. 
                    “I’m readmitting myself into the Grayson Center for a six month program.  Then after that, I will most likely go into a group home for a while longer.  I’ve already talked with Dr. Todd and I’m set to be checked in next Wednesday,” I said, seeing the way her face paled.
                    “You’re going back to Grayson’s?  To Florida?  But why?  I thought things were going fine.  That you were doing better,” Maggie seemed so lost and I wish I had the magic answer for her.  So instead I just tried to explain.
                    “I’ve tried, Mags.  I really have.  And while some things are changing, I still have so far to go.  The truth is every day is a struggle.  Some days I can barely get out of bed.”
                    “But your medication…” Maggie started and I shook my head.
                    “I told you before it wasn’t a cure all.  It helps, but it doesn’t fix everything.  You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about hurting myself.  Of ending the pain.  It’s like there’s this voice in my head that tells me to do it.  That no one loves me, that I’m nothing but a burden,” I could hear the strain in my voice and I couldn’t even look at Maggie. 
                    “But that’s not true, Clay!  You have so many people that love you!  You have never been a burden!  That’s ridiculous!” she implored, as she reached for me.  Her hands clutched at my shirt and I almost lost my resolve.  Almost.
                    “But don’t you see, the fact that I think about it at all means I’m not ready. I’m not ready to plan any sort of future.  I need to focus on the present and getting my shit sorted.  Otherwise I’m not good to myself or to you.  I can’t do that to you.  I won’t do that to you!” My voice started to rise and I had to work on keeping it at a normal volume.  Particularly when all I wanted to do was scream.
                    “What about the ring?  All those promises you made just a few hours ago?  Was that just a way to butter me up, to soften the blow?  I can’t believe you!” Maggie’s tears were coming in earnest now.
                    “No, Maggie!  I meant every word I said!  But those promises are for what I hope is our future!  I won’t leave this time and shut you out.  I can’t do that again.  To either of us.  I want you to take this journey with me, wherever it goes.  I hope that you’ll wait for me to get myself together.  I know it’s incredibly selfish of me to even ask you to.  But knowing you’re waiting for me on the other end of all this will make the process that much easier to deal with,” I said sincerely.  Maggie started hiccupping and heaving.  Raw, ugly tears ripped from her chest and I felt helpless. 
                    “I understand if that’s asking too much.  But