Light in the Shadows

became blurry and the doc’s next words seemed to reach me through a thick fog. 
     
                    “Lisa didn’t make it.  I’m so sorry, Clay,” Dr. Todd said, his voice clear and strong.  I blinked a few times, not sure I heard him correctly.
     
                    “Lisa didn’t make it?” I asked for clarification.  No, that couldn’t be right.  I had just spoken to Lisa this past weekend.  She had given me a bunch of crap about watching The Notebook, even though I had very little choice in the movies the center chose to play.  But Lisa had loved every minute of teasing me about it. And then I had made fun of her new biker boots. It had been a great conversation, with her promising to come down with Ruby when I was discharged from Grayson in two weeks.
     
                    Dr. Todd nodded, his hands still firm on my shoulders.  “No, Clay.  She didn’t,” he confirmed.  My heart bottomed out and I felt sick.  What the fuck?  Matt appeared beside me, not touching me but the act was meant to be supportive.
     
                    What I felt was freaking smothered.  “Back the hell off.  Please,” I tried to sound threatening, but instead I only sounded weak and broken.  Matt tentatively took me by the elbow and tried to steer me to the couch.
     
                    “Have a seat, Clay.  We can talk if you want.”  I wrenched my arm away and backed up.  I dug my fingers into my hair and started to pull.  The familiar sensation of falling apart tickled the edges of my consciousness. 
     
                    “Clayton.  Sit down now.”  Dr. Todd’s words were perhaps more harsh than the situation warranted but he knew that I responded to his authority on a basic level.  I don’t know why it was, but his firm voice cut through the noise in my head.  The man didn’t have a PH.D for nothing.
     
                    I sat down heavily and vaguely heard Lydia direct me to focus on my breathing.  Fuck that!  They could take their breathing and shove it up their asses.  Who the hell were they to tell me to calm down when I had just found out one of the only three people I had ever loved was dead? 
     
                    Fuck…Lisa was dead.  That was the kind of forever I wanted nothing to do with.  I just wanted to wake up and realize this was a bad dream.  I started to pinch my arm, liking the pain but knowing it meant that yep, I was definitely awake.
     
                    I covered my face with my hands and leaned my elbows on my knees trying to stop the invading panic attack.  No one touched me.  Nobody spoke.  The only sound was from the constant ticking of Dr. Todd’s clock on the wall. 
     
                    I don’t know how long I stayed like that.  It could have been minutes.  Hours even.  Who the fuck knows?  But I finally looked up and saw that the three other people in the room hadn’t moved.  They all looked ready, poised and waiting for my inevitable meltdown.
     
                    Well I hated to disappoint them because that just wasn’t going to happen.  “I want to call Ruby,” I said, proud of how steady I was.  Matt and Lydia got up.
     
                    “We’ll come by and see you in a little while,” Matt assured me.  I didn’t nod.  I didn’t do shit.  I just wanted them to leave.  Lydia squeezed my shoulder and I wanted to smack her hand away.  I had never felt condescended to at Grayson.  But right now, I felt like the epitome of the mental patient.  Everyone was walking on eggshells around me and it made me want to scream.
     
                    Once the other therapists left the room, Dr. Todd picked up the phone on his desk and held out the receiver for me to take.  “Clay, Ruby is going to be grieving.  She is in a horrible place right now.  Be prepared for what that will do to you.  Be aware of your own triggers and I’ll help you deal with them, alright?”  He stared me straight in the eye and I took the phone from his hand.
     
                    “Yeah.  Okay,” I muttered.  I quickly dialed Ruby’s cell phone number and waited.  I heard it ring.  And ring.  And ring.  Finally, when I was just about to hang up I heard the click of the call connecting.  Ruby’s hello sounded hollow.