Lost in You

stop shaking my head. Tears come and I don’t fight them. “She doesn’t love me?”
    “That’s not why I’m here. You sign this and you’re free to go. No charges will be filed for assaulting an officer and everything goes back to the way it was before you crossed paths with Miss Carter.”
    Everything goes back to the way it was.
    Everything.
    No more Hadley. No more wondering if she’s with someone else. No more beating myself up over why she’s with me. I continue being the nobody that I’ve always been and she continues being everyone’s sweetheart. She continues to live her life while I suffer the heartache of letting myself love her when I knew it was a mistake.
    “This is what Hadley wants,” Jessica says as she pushes the paper forward.
    I reluctantly scribble my name and set the pen down and count. Ten seconds and the piece of paper is in her briefcase, the pen in her hand and she’s up and out the door without even looking at me.
    I get up and follow her out. “Wait,” I yell, but she doesn’t turn around. I see Hadley, she’s there signing something at the counter. “Hadley?”
    She turns and looks at me, before turning back and taking keys from the desk clerk. She doesn’t look at me again as she walks toward the door of the police station flanked by Jessica and a man I don’t know. She turns briefly before exiting, but gives me no sign that everything will be okay.
    The door slams, sealing her off from me.

CHAPTER 30
    Hadley
     
     
    Hearing Ryan call my name was almost enough for me to nix this whole deal, but when I looked at him, battered and bruised because of me, I knew I had made the right decision. My heart, though, definitely isn’t agreeing with my head. I can’t close my eyes because when I do, all I see is him. His face, sad and tear-stained is staring back at me asking me why, begging me for an answer. I want to ask the lawyer who’s driving to turn around so I can go back to him and tell him that I’m sorry, that I didn’t mean it, but I can’t. I’m nothing but poison to him. I should’ve known better from the start. Clearly my relationship with Coleman is the prime example of how screwed up everything is when I’m around. He’s nothing, but I couldn’t even keep him happy.
    I hand my keys to the lawyer. I’m so bad I don’t even remember his name. I know he told me when he slammed his briefcase down on the table and started ranting about how he’s up at the ass crack of dawn to come save some spoiled brat. I didn’t argue because it’s true. I had no choice but to call Ian. My parents couldn’t get me out of this jam; only he could. When I told him what was going on all he said is that he’d take care of it. I expected him to yell and say ‘I told you so’, but he didn’t. I don’t think he even sighed or said my name. Moments later this guy walks in and my life changes.
    He gets out and retrieves my bag from the rental. I refuse to drive the car back to the airport. I’ll pay the fine. I don’t care. I can’t get into that car. Not after everything that happened, and everything that didn’t. He stopped us, not me. I was ready and didn’t care. I wanted him. I needed him. I still do, but I can’t have him. Not now, not ever.
    I can’t look at the church either, too many memories. That’s what I see. The two of us standing under the tree, him leaning into me. Holding me as if I’m the most precious thing he’s ever seen. I am to him, at least. To me, I’m nothing but trash. I don’t deserve the decency I’m being afforded right now. These highly paid suits coming in to make everything go away because of who I am. That’s not right. Breaking his heart shouldn’t have been just a simple piece of paper. I should’ve had the guts to walk up to him and tell him I’m leaving. Give him an explanation about why we aren’t going to work and how the age thing is just too much. But I’m a coward. I know he’d say that his birthday is soon and we can hold out. He’s right, I should be able to, but I can’t.
    We stop at an area rest stop so I can freshen up. I have no doubt my arrest has hit the social media sites. I guess Ian is at least prepared for it. I found it ironic that the officer who interviewed me is Dylan’s dad. Of course, I only found out after he told me in the interview room how upset I made his daughter when I started dating Ryan. I knew she liked him, but there’s a difference between her and I – Ryan loves me and I