Lost in You

attention. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it isn’t this. My heart starts to ache with thoughts of him. I close my eyes again and breathe in deeply before belting out my lyrics. I think of Ryan and how much I miss him as I sing.
    The song finishes. When I open my eyes and look at Cole, he knows what I just did. I can see the hurt on his face, even though he’s trying to mask it. He looks back at the crowd and waits for the next song to start. I clear my head. I have to be fair to him. We're supposed to be play-acting for the public. I can’t do anything stupid.
    After three more songs, Cole and I leave the stage. We’re going to have a half-hour intermission before I go on. I follow him as he stalks off. I can tell he’s talking to himself by the way his hands are flying around. He throws his microphone at one of the techs. I shrug and apologize when I hand him mine. Cole throws open my dressing room door and stands in the middle of the room. I shut the door behind me, hoping that Ian will give us just a few minutes so I can explain, even though I have no idea what I’m going to say to him.
    He turns. His face is red and full of anger. I get that he’s upset, but we aren’t a couple and I’m allowed to miss the one I love.
    “What the hell was that, Hadley?”
    “What?” I ask, throwing my hands up in the air.
    “Seriously, you don’t know?”
    “Obviously not,” I say as I move by him. I sit down at my vanity, resting my head in my hands. I can’t stand vague. When he acts like this it really pisses me off.
    “You missed your cue. Twice.”
    “What?” I look up at him and he’s staring at me. The expression on his face tells me he’s serious. “I did not. I know when to come in, Cole, I wrote the damn song. Remember?”
    “Yeah, I remember, but I just sat through it and so did the fans. You missed it and that’s not like you. You’re supposed to be acting like my girlfriend and there you are thinking about some piss-ant teenager, making me look like a fool.”
    “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I get up and move over to my rack of clothes. I pull out a couple dresses and throw them onto the couch. Throwing my clothes feels good so I keep doing it until the rack is empty. I pick up my shoes and start throwing them across the room. When they're out of reach, I reach for the vase of roses and throw it against the wall. The glass shatters sending shards all over the place.
    Cole grabs me from behind, locking my arms down with his. I fall to the ground. He goes with me, holding me in his lap. I cry hard for the loss of the boy that I love and can’t have and for the man I just humiliated on the stage. I’ve destroyed Ryan, just like Cole destroyed me and there isn’t anything I can do to fix it.
    Cole lets me cry. He doesn’t tell me everything will be okay or that he’ll fix it. He can’t. He’s not going to sugarcoat anything for me. He’s realistic and right now I hate him for it. I need him to tell me that he’ll track down Ryan and bring him to me, that he’ll make sure Ryan forgives me for being a self-centered bitch, but he doesn’t. He holds me, keeping my arms locked so I don’t do any more damage. 
    I try to calm down, matching my breathing with his. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but thinking about his chest moving up and down against my back brings things into perspective.
    “You have to go on in a few minutes, Hadley.”
    I shake my head. He’s wrong. “We just came off stage, Cole. I have thirty minutes.”
    He rests his head against my back. I feel his lips press against my skin. “I love you, Hadley, probably more than I should, but you’ve got to get over this. I know you love him, but sometimes you have to put those feelings on hold and live your life. This is not the right time for either of you and you have to accept that.”
    “We should never have come here.”
    “I know. I don’t know what Ian was thinking, but it’s not good and right now your fans think there’s something wrong with you, so you need to go out there and show them that you’re the Hadley Carter they paid to see, not the one they just witnessed singing to her boyfriend.”
    “Fake boyfriend,” I whisper.
    “Yeah, fake boyfriend,” he sighs. “It doesn’t matter what I am, we have a deal and you need to keep your end.”
    “I know.”
    Apparently that satisfies him because he lets me go. I slide the rest of the way to the ground and pull my knees