Lost in You

to my chest. I wish I could cancel the rest of the show, fake the flu or something, but I can’t.
    The door opens, I don’t turn around because I know who it is and as excited as I am that she’s here, I don’t want her to see me like this.
    “It’s okay, Coleman, I’ll take care of everything.” I feel him shift behind me and hear the door close. Alex runs her fingers through my hair. She knows how to make me feel better.
    “I want to go see him. Tomorrow he’ll be eighteen and everything will be fine. We’ll go in the morning and be back before the bus leaves.”
    Alex moves and sits in front of me. She looks tired. I reach out and trace my finger under the bags. I hate seeing her like this. She shakes her head, pulling my hand into hers.
    “I went to Brookfield, that’s why I’m late. I thought if I could bring Ryan to you, things would be better – not that things are good – but you know what I mean.”
    “He didn’t want to come?” My voice shakes when I ask.
    Alex shakes her head. “He doesn’t live at home anymore, sweetie. He ran away the morning after you left him.”
    “No,” I whisper before breaking down in her arms. I’ve just lost the one I love more than anything and don’t know how to find him.

CHAPTER 35
    Ryan
     
     
    I’m eighteen today.
    This is supposed to be the turning point in my life.
    Today everything was meant to change.
    Only I’m alone, staring at the white ceiling.
    I reach under my mattress and pull out Hadley’s phone. It’s been hiding. I couldn’t stomach looking at it day after day so I hid it. I didn’t need the painful reminder of what it meant at one time not so long ago.
    Freedom.
    Love.
    A life away from Brookfield.
    Now it holds lies.
    Deception.
    Pain.
    I turn it on and wait for the apple symbol to disappear. I hold it in my hands waiting for that distinct chime to alert me that I have a message. The chime – her ringtone – her song – doesn’t sound.
    I pull up her name, the only contact I ever put in here. The only person I ever wanted to talk to with this phone. Her porcelain face stares back at me. Before today I thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, but now I see flaws. I see someone who used me to make herself feel better. I see someone who took advantage of me because I didn’t know any better, but not anymore.
    Dylan has taught me in this past month what it’s like to care for someone simply because you can. Her father taught me to speak my mind and not be afraid to answer when asked a question.
    I want to tell Hadley that I’ll never forgive her for what she’s done, but I’ll never see her so why do I need to say that to her? Fact is, she’s not even watching. I’m not stupid, at least not anymore. I know she shut off my phone. As easy as it was for her to give it to me, it was just as easy for her to take it away. She’s treated me like a petulant child and not the lover she said I was.
    I get out of bed and move quietly down the hall, careful not to wake anyone. The stairs to the basement creak with my weight. They're old and in need of repair. Mr. Ross and I plan to do this over winter vacation. It’s the least I can do to return their hospitality and love.
    I turn on the overhead light. It sways back and forth casting shadows along the walls. Chills wash over me. I get the feeling that someone is watching me, lurking in the corner waiting to pounce. I take a deep breath, calming my nerves. There isn’t anyone down here, just an old basement. I’m an adult now. I shouldn’t be scared of the boogeyman. I walk carefully into Mr. Ross’s workshop and pull the cord to turn on the light. This time I hold the bulb from moving back and forth so I can focus on what I need. The black handle is easy to spot. I pull out the hammer, turning it from side to side, inspecting the large metal object before laying it on the table.
    My phone feels heavy in my pocket, but after I’m done it won’t. I won’t have to see it anymore. I drop it onto the table and bring it to life. Her smiling face mocks me, reminding me what her lips felt like against mine. I pick up the hammer and bring it down once, hard. The crack is satisfying, but it’s not enough. I can still see her. Her brown eyes sparkle as if she’s telling me a story. Her kissable lips make her face light up with her bright smile.
    I fell hard for her and she let me, encouraged me, but no more. I bring down the hammer hard, hitting the picture dead