Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 5

gotten bad news in front of him. I would have collapsed right there in the doctor's office.
    "Can we talk for a minute?" A look of panic took over his face. Those are never good words. Even if this time they weren't good for a different reason than usual.
    He rallied quickly and responded, "Of course. How did your appointment go today?"
    "That's what I want to talk about. Can you just not respond 'til I get through it all? Please."
    "Sure." The panic deepened, but he didn't interrupt me again until I was done with my telling.
    Finally, I finished and sat down at the table. I pulled copies of the Advance Directive and Medical Power of Attorney out of my bag and pushed them across the table to him. "These are for you. I hope you don't mind. I named you."
    He stood up abruptly and pushed them back at me. "No!" he said, fear making his voice sound strained. "You can't die." He paused and then continued, "Do you want to die?" His voice rose in pitch and volume as he was saying this, until it was almost a scream.
    The wall in me that had been holding strong all day, crumbled into million tiny pieces. I had needed him to be strong for me and he was falling apart. My voice matched his when I yelled back at him. "Of course I don't want to die! Why would you think that?" With massive effort, I lowered my voice. "I just don't want some stranger to make a decision for me if something goes wrong on Friday. I want someone who loves me to decide what is best."
    He sank back into himself a bit and stared at me, dumbstruck. This time, when I spoke, my voice was barely above a whisper. "Andrew, I am so fucking scared, and I've got nothing holding me together here. I don't want to die. But I could. I've got a 70% chance of dying in three days. That's a passing grade. Death has a fucking 70% chance of passing this test." By this time I was not even sure what I was rambling on about. It was fear made manifest in my speech, and the words didn't matter much anymore.
    Andrew took two great strides across the room and wrapped his arms around me. "Shhh. Stop. I've got you. It'll be okay. I've got you. Oh God, I just got you back. I don't want to lose you again." Still hugging me and speaking calming words in my ear, he walked me over to the couch, where he gathered me into his lap (which would never have worked before I lost 30 lbs and became a walking waif) and rocked me back and forth like I was a baby. I cried. I swear I've cried more in the past six months than in my entire life before that. I guess I had good reason but this cry seemed different. It was a cleansing cry. These tears washed out the fear and created a clean place for hope to rest in.
    After a while, we stumbled back into the bedroom and fell asleep the same way we had the night before, together and loved.
    CHAPTER 4
    Friday morning came entirely too quickly. This time, I had let Andrew take off work to take me to the hospital. And when I say let, I mean he told me he was and I didn't argue. At all. In fact, he had taken a two week leave of absence from work to take care of me after the surgery. I couldn't wait until our relationship stopped being about him taking care of me.
    I was distracted enough with making sure we had gotten everything I needed and ticking off my mental check list that I barely noticed the woman getting off the elevator. She looked briefly up and down the hall, her eyes skipping over us like a person looking for someone in particular and knowing it is not you. I didn't register more than that because I wasn't looking at her. I was locking my door.
    I turned to walk down the hall towards the elevator and the woman turned towards me to walk down my end of the hallway. I practically skidded to stop and then stumbled half a step forward when Andrew rammed into my back in the narrow hallway. It was my Mother. What in the name of everything holy was my Mother doing here? In my hallway.
    A look of confusion crossed her face as she was forced to look closely at me. I was blocking the hallway. It was quickly followed by one of shock and sorrow.
    "Shawn, darling? How…wha…"
    I didn't let her finish. I answered with all the frosty politeness I could muster, in good family tradition. "I'm sorry, Mother. You just caught us on our way out. We must be going or I am going to be late for my own surgery. I'm sure I won't see you later."
    I walked stiffly forward and she seemed to step aside and let us pass on autopilot. I heard her call my name and start walking