Lucy in the Sky

the shallow water on my own and I watch as the others bob with the gentle lift of the waves. James looks over to me and smiles. I half smile back. This doesn’t feel right at all.
    ‘Did you go to Henley with Susannah and Edward a few weeks ago?’ I ask James later.
    ‘Hey?’ he responds, confused. ‘You know I did. What are you on about?’
    ‘Susannah didn’t seem to know what I was talking about when I mentioned it to her earlier,’ I explain.
    ‘Really? She’s a weird one, isn’t she?’ He shakes his head in bemusement.
    ‘I can’t disagree with you there.’ I decide to drop it.
     
    Back in London I have almost a whole week in the flat on my own before James is due to return the following Sunday. Strangely, I don’t feel too lonely. Nathan texts me on Wednesday to ask if I had any success increasing the number of lawyers at the bottom of the sea. We text back and forth a few times but it’s too hard to talk to him properly during the week with the time difference and both of us being at work. On Thursday night I go out with Gemma and Chloe and we’re all hopelessly hung-over the next day at work. That evening I invite them back to our place for a pizza and a DVD. Gemma has plans with her boyfriend butChloe joins me and it feels good, sitting there, watching The Devil Wears Prada with someone who is fast becoming a proper friend.
    ‘Are you missing James?’ she asks me.
    ‘Um, it’s weird, but I’m kind of enjoying having the flat to myself,’ I answer truthfully.
    She tuts. ‘I’d kill to have a boyfriend like James or Martin.’ Martin is Gemma’s boyfriend. ‘But you guys aren’t having problems, are you?’
    ‘Erm…’ I don’t really want to shatter her rose-tinted view of my boyfriend because it’s lovely–and reassuring–to have people’s envy, but I suddenly find myself wanting to open up to her.
    ‘You know when I went to Australia…’
    I tell her about the flight and the text.
    ‘Yeah, but that all sounds perfectly reasonable, what he’s saying,’ she comforts me.
    ‘It’s just a feeling I have.’
    And then I tell her about Nathan.
    ‘Well, no wonder you’re confused about James,’ she says when I’ve finished. ‘Your heart is elsewhere.’
    ‘Is it, though? Is it really? Nathan’s on the other side of the world. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever see him again. Maybe I’m just feeling like this because it’s safe. He’s like a fantasy boyfriend; very few flaws. When I think about him I don’t have to deal with reality.’
    ‘That’s conceivable,’ she muses. ‘But why can’t you talk to James?’
    ‘About Nathan?’
    ‘No, about how you feel about him. The text. The fact that you still worry about it.’
    ‘Perhaps.’
    ‘Why are you so reluctant?’
    Because I don’t believe he’d tell me the truth. I don’t say this to Chloe. No one likes to admit they don’t trust their boyfriend. Instead I answer, ‘I’m not reluctant. I’ve just got a lot to think about, that’s all.’
    We’re friends, Chloe and I, but we’re not close enough that I feel I can tell her absolutely anything. I don’t have that closeness with anyone. Not even Molly. The realisation makes me feel very isolated.
    I ring Nathan the next morning and he answers immediately.
    ‘Hello, you, I was just finishing work on the house for the day.’ His voice travels warmly down the line. ‘So, tell me about Spain. I want all the gory details.’
    ‘It was a disaster.’ I fill him in on the trip and he listens carefully.
    ‘And when does James get back?’
    ‘Tomorrow,’ I answer. ‘The launch party went well, though, and my boss has given me a nice bonus, so it’s not all bad. What about you? What have you been up to this week?’
    ‘Well, it was my birthday on Thursday…’
    ‘ Really ? Oh, happy birthday! I wish I’d known. I’d have sent a card.’
    ‘That’s alright.’ He laughs. ‘You don’t even know my address.’
    That makes him a Gemini, I’m thinking. Good match for a Libra like me.
    ‘What did you do for it?’
    ‘Guys from work took me out for a few drinks and after that I just went round to Sam and Molly’s.’
    ‘How are they doing?’ I ask.
    ‘Really good. Busy with the B&B, though. Molly’s had to cut down her hours at the shop. So what about you? What are you up to today?’
    ‘I might go to Regent’s Park for a wander. Maybe head down Marylebone High Street and do some shopping.’
    ‘Sounds nice.’
    ‘It is.’ I