Lucy in the Sky

the main breadwinner? That’s probably how it would be with Nathan, and I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with that thought.
    Oh, God. What’s it going to be like if he comes over here? I know everything between us will change if he’s in England, and that terrifies me. It’s all very well getting to know someone on holiday, but when they suddenly materialise on your doorstep, in your world…
    It’s plain from the last time Nathan and I spoke, that James is starting to feel funny about our conversations. What will he be like when Nathan is here in person?
    And how will Nathan feel when he meets James? That’s perhaps even more worrying to me, and I’m not proud of it. James has never been anything more than a name to Nathan but once he comes, literally, face to face with the reality that is my long-term boyfriend, it could scare him off completely.
    There’s also the little matter of how I’ll feel when I see Nathan again. It’s as I explained to Chloe some time ago: at the moment he’s safe. He’s on the other side of the world. He’s notreal. He’s not flawed. I’ve been carrying around this fantasy image of a sexy surfer and I’m worried that, in actuality, Nathan won’t live up to it.
    And then of course there’s the worry that he will.

Chapter 19
    It’s early August and Gemma has invited us for a barbeque on Primrose Hill.
    ‘What a pain in the arse,’ James is moaning as we make our convoluted way by tube. ‘It probably would have been quicker to walk.’
    ‘Cheer up, we’re nearly there now,’ I say, reaching over to squeeze his hand. He’s carrying the rucksack with all our things. We’ve packed the rug he bought last summer for our picnic in Dorset Square, plus a whole host of other goodies like Moroccan couscous, potato salad, crisps, raspberries and strawberries. We’ll never be able to eat it all.
    Primrose Hill is busy all year round, but right now, in August, it’s positively heaving. People stand at the top of the hill like soldiers, looking down over the city. We find Gemma, her boyfriend, Martin, Chloe and a few other guys and girls we don’t know, halfway up the hill, under a tree. They’ve already got the portable barbeque set up and smoking. Gemma told me definitely not to bring anything for the barbeque because Martin had gone way overboard with sausages and beefburgers. She wasn’t lying.
    ‘Hey,’ she calls, as we approach. James met Gemma and Chloe at a bar launch we PR-ed last November and he kisses them hello now. Gemma introduces us to Martin and her friends. Martin is tall, skinny and has short black hair. The last time I saw him he was collecting a very drunk Gemma from the Luigi party. He looks a lot happier now.
    After lunch, when the others have gone off to play Frisbee, Chloe turns to me and asks about Nathan.
    ‘Has he booked his flight yet?’
    ‘Not yet, but I got a text from him last week and it appears his visa application is going through so it should all be happening. I haven’t spoken to him for a few weeks, though.’ Nor have I listened to his tape. I even have a joke for him but I can’t bring myself to call him, and it has nothing to do with the fact that the last phone bill came in at a whopping £80 and I had to hide it from James.
    ‘Really?’ She’s surprised at my downbeat manner. ‘You haven’t gone off him, have you?’
    ‘I’m not a teenager,’ I joke. Then I sigh. ‘You know what? In all honesty, I am a bit freaked out. I know I sound fickle, but I felt so at ease, chatting to him on the phone before. Now he might be coming here…I don’t even know if I’ll still be attracted to him in London.’
    ‘Yeah, I know that feeling,’ she says. ‘I once had a holiday romance with a guy called Franz in Germany. When he turned up unannounced in London a couple of months later I almost died! I didn’t fancy him at all. He looked totally out of place on my turf.’
    Moments later James comes back and flops down on the rug next to us. He pulls me back so I’m leaning up against him; his T-shirt is damp from his sweat. Frisky business, this Frisbee lark.
    ‘What are you girls talking about?’ He’s slightly out of breath.
    ‘Oh, men,’ Chloe answers casually and I look over at her in alarm.
    ‘Yeah? What about them?’
    ‘I need one!’
    ‘Do you?’ he asks her, leaning up on one elbow now and flashing his trademark cheeky grin. I sit back up.
    ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Know any nice single