Monstrous Regiment

eyes, man!”
    “Yes, sir. They’re wearing dresses, sir,” said Clogston patiently.
    “And they’re practically bald!”
    “Yes, sir,” said Clogston. He picked up a thick book, dripping with bookmarks. “Book of Nuggan, sir: ‘It is a Beatitude Unto Nuggan that An Woman shall wear her hair short, that the amorous propensities of men be not therefore inflamed.’”
    “I don’t see a lot of bald women around!” snapped Froc.
    “Yes, sir. It is one of those utterances that people find somewhat tricky, like the one about not sneezing. I should say at this point, sir, that I intend to show that Abominations are routinely committed by all of us. We have got into the habit of ignoring them, in fact, which opens up an interesting debate. In any case, short hair is Nugganatically correct. In short, sir, and in short hair, the ladies appear to have been involved in nothing more than a little laundry, a kitchen accident, and the release of your good self from the cells.”
    “I saw them!” snarled Strappi. “They looked like men and they acted like men!”
    “Why were you in the recruiting party, Captain?” said Major Clogston. “I would not have thought one of those would have been a hotbed of seditious activity?”
    “Is that a relevant question, Major?” said the general.
    “I don’t know, sir,” said Clogston. “That’s why I asked. I don’t think we would wish it to be said that these ladies had not been given a fair hearing?”
    “Said by whom?” said Froc. “My officers can be relied upon to be discreet.”
    “Said by the ladies themselves, sir?”
    “Then we must require that they do not speak to anyone!”
    “Oh, I say!” said Blouse.
    “And how will you enforce this, sir?” said Clogston. “Against these women who, we have agreed, stole you out of the jaws of the enemy?”
    There was some muttering among the officers.
    “Major Clogston, did you have lunch?” said the general.
    “No, sir.”
    “Colonel Vester said you become a little…erratic when you miss meals…”
    “No, sir. I become tetchy, sir. But I think a little tetchiness is called for right now. I put a question to Captain Strappi, sir.”
    “Very well, Captain, perhaps you will tell us why you were with that recruiting party?” said the general wearily.
    “I was…investigating a soldier, sir,” said Strappi reluctantly. “A noncommissioned officer. Our attention had been drawn to irregularities in his files, sir, and where there are irregularities we generally find sedition. I hesitate to talk about this, sir, because this sergeant has been of some service to yourself—”
    “Hrumph!” said the general loudly. “This is not a matter of discussion here, I think!”
    “It was just that according to the files, several officers had helped—” Strappi went on.
    “Hrumph! Not matter for this court, Captain! Are we agreed, gentlemen?”
    “Yes, sir, it was just that the major asked me and I—” Strappi began, bewildered.
    “Captain, I suggest you learn what a hrumph means!” roared Froc.
    “So what were you looking for when you rummaged through our stuff?” said Polly as Strappi shrank.
    “Mmmmmy cccccoffffee!” said Maladict. “Yyyyyou ssssstole mmmmmy cccccoffffee!”
    “And you ran away when you were told you were going into combat, you little dog’s pizzle!” said Tonker. “Polly said you pissed your drawers!”
    General Froc slammed his fist on the table, but Polly noticed that one or two officers were trying to conceal a smile.
    “These are not matters for this inquiry!” he said.
    “Although, sir, one or two of them seem to me to be subject for investigation later on,” said a colonel further along the table. “The personal belongings of enlisted men may only be searched in their presence, General. This may seem a trivial point, but men have mutinied over it in the past. Did you, in fact, believe the…men to be women when you did this, Captain?”
    Oh, say yes, please say yes, Polly thought, as Strappi hesitated. Because when we talk about how those cavalrymen found us so quickly, it’ll mean you set them on a bunch of Borogravian girls. Let’s see how that one plays in Plotz! And if you didn’t know, then why were you rummaging?
    Strappi preferred the rock to the hard place. Stone clattered down in the courtyard outside, and he had to raise his voice to make himself heard.
    “I was, er, generally suspicious of them, sir, because they were so keen—”
    “Sir, I