Now That Hes Gone

take care of her, especially in her later years. “Take care of” usually means that a man will support her financially. We know where this idea came from. It's a relic of the days when women's roles were strictly defined: housewife, mother, nursemaid. For her part, a woman was expected to take care of her entire family, husband included, by cooking for them, keeping a clean house, caring for them when they got sick and performing a host of other wifely and motherly duties.
    For generations, women were not allowed to work, or if they were, it was at jobs that paid so little, the women could not hope to support a family. That was the man's role. Even the highly celebrated “Rosie the Riveter” of World War II was expected to lay down her riveting gun and put her apron back on when her husband came home. Which, for the most part, she did.
    I say “for the most part” because not all women went back to filling traditional roles after the war. Many of them liked working, liked the freedom and financial rewards of full-time “men's work.” So they stayed in the work force and as the economy grew in the 1950s and 1960s, they took jobs with even more pay and responsibility. “Career girl” became an acceptable choice for a young woman to make.
    Acceptable, yes, but only to a point. Career girl or not, a young woman was expected to eventually get married, have children and revert to her traditional roles as she matured. Thus developed the ironic situation in the second half of the last century in which women graduated from college, had professional careers and still found themselves financially dependent on a man, at least partly, in their middle and later years. When a woman in this situation loses her man, she feels the uncertainty and insecurity of suddenly having to take care of everything herself.
    I've had a number of smart, capable women come into my office and profess that they were lost and unsure about what to do—even though they had spent years in professional, even managerial careers. These are women who balance multimillion-dollar budgets, do microbiology research, supervise dozens of workers—and yet wonder how they will ever be able to take care of themselves as they age.
    This is not the case with all women. Many widows and divorcées are more than capable of taking care of themselves and eventually they do. It's just the first few weeks and months of loss and uncertainty that are the most difficult to get through. But with the right attitude and the right kinds of support, you will get through it all just fine. Let me tell you about a few of my favorite clients.
“I'm always in control.”
    When she was just a little girl, Geraldine suffered the loss of her mother, Lucille, who died unexpectedly at a young age. When she died, Lucille was still quite attractive and her husband was still very much in love with her. But with his wife gone and a little girl to raise, Geraldine's father got married again.
    Her new stepmother realized that her husband loved and missed his first wife, and being insecure, she became extremely jealous. She removed all of Lucille's pictures from the walls and mantel. She got rid of all her clothes, personal mementos, anything that would remind her husband of the one who was gone.
    Unfortunately for Geraldine, she looked a great deal like her late mother. Her father often remarked about how much she reminded him of Lucille, and how when he looked at his daughter, he missed her mother even more. This infuriated the stepmother, who abused the little girl emotionally and physically, making her life a living hell. When she complained of the abuse to her father, he refused to believe it, not wanting to confront his new wife and make her even more jealous by taking Geraldine's side. Thus, at an age when most little girls are feeling secure and taken care of, Geraldine felt alone and unsupported in her own home.
    As soon as she turned 18, Geraldine got a job and rented an apartment. A high school graduate with few marketable skills, she began waiting tables and working at other low-paying jobs, just to be able to pay her bills. She worked brutally long hours, some days going from one job to another with just an hour or two of rest. It was hard, but she was on her own and not dependent on anyone.
    Today, Geraldine's husband is gone and her children live in another city, so she's back on her own again. But the attitude that kept her going at 18 is still very much a part of her.