Now That Hes Gone

line!” she recalls
    One morning, Deborah woke up feeling that inevitable biological clock ticking away inside her. She and Jeff desperately wanted to have a family and began to explore their alternatives. “This is the time when Jeff and I really pulled together,” Deborah remembers. “We met with many counselors and doctors and found our way.”
    With the help of modern technology, they produced a son, Jack, who is now eight years old. When asked how Jeff's condition has affected their son, Deb reports that “Jack says he has never known his dad any other way.” At his age, with Jeff in a wheelchair, he and his father are eye-to-eye and they talk at exactly the same level.
    Jeff has not been able to secure steady employment, although he is involved in several support groups for individuals facing spinal chord injury.
    You might ask why I have included this interview in a book which addresses women who find themselves alone in midlife. Though she didn't experience the evaporation of her Plan A in mid-life, as you might have, Deborah did endure a huge wallop long before she was ready for it. Every picture of her future that she had in her heart and mind was erased. Yet when forced to, she created a heroic Plan B and stuck to it, eventually making a life that is as happy and fulfilling as other fully functioning couples. In many ways her path has been even more difficult in that she has not just been a woman alone. She has been the family matriarch, wage-earner and care-giver, and has accepted these roles with grace and enthusiasm.
    Deborah's philosophy is the motto for her life: “If you work hard, you can do anything to which you set your mind.” There is not a shred of victim in this philosophy. It is pure victor, focusing on what you have and what you can do, rather than on what is lacking. It is this attitude that I know you can adopt. It is this attitude that will destroy any artificial boundaries you might feel are limiting you now. It is this attitude that will spur you on to thrive once again.
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Chapter 8 – Intention + Action = Success
    You might think it odd to write about “success” in a book for women who have recently lost their primary male relationship. That's understandable. Most women in your shoes are just thinking about getting through the day, putting their shattered lives back together and somehow making it on their own. At this point, “success” is probably not even on your radar screen. But allow me to explain why I bring up this topic here.
    Let's start by acknowledging that men and women view “success” differently. You might have noticed that men tend to define success in terms of accomplishments and possessions. Their accomplishments are the games they win, the deals they close, the money they make, the obstacles they overcome. Their possessions are the cars they drive, the “toys” they buy, the assets they accumulate.
    We women, on the other hand, tend to define success in terms of feelings and relationships. It's important to women to feel safe, happy, confident, “together.” It's also important to us to have healthy relationships—a marriage that works, involvement in the lives of our children, friends we can count on, harmony with our neighbors, co-workers we like.
    I realize these are broad statements, with plenty of exceptions on both sides. Yes, there are men who want non-material success and many women like to achieve and accumulate possessions. But for our purposes here, it can be helpful to focus on feelings and relationships in measuring how successful you will be as you make your way through life on your own. As before, we can examine lives of our sisters who have been successful at this to see what information and inspiration they can provide us.
“You must make a decision to be happy.”
    Ellen is a woman whom I got to know through a marriage in my family. It didn't take long for her to become a friend. She's in her late 80's with blonde hair cut in a “Buster Brown” style and a trim little body which she keeps in shape with the help of a personal trainer. A non-stop, almost frenetic ball of energy, she has more get-up-and-go than women less than half her age. She dresses fashionably, travels extensively and is constantly redecorating her apartment.
    Born on the East Coast in 1920, Ellen married young and moved to Los Angeles when her husband, a physician, decided to build his practice there. Though she had a good